certainties which I know; and
I hope we _both_ are aware that nothing can be more hopeless than our
position in some relations and aspects, though you do not guess
perhaps that the very approach to the subject is shut up by dangers,
and that from the moment of a suspicion entering _one_ mind, we should
be able to meet never again in this room, nor to have intercourse by
letter through the ordinary channel. I mean, that letters of yours,
addressed to me here, would infallibly be stopped and destroyed--if
not opened. Therefore it is advisable to hurry on nothing--on these
grounds it is advisable. What should I do if I did not see you nor
hear from you, without being able to feel that it was for your
happiness? What should I do for a month even? And then, I might be
thrown out of the window or its equivalent--I look back shuddering to
the dreadful scenes in which poor Henrietta was involved who never
offended as I have offended ... years ago which seem as present as
to-day. She had forbidden the subject to be referred to until that
consent was obtained--and at a word she gave up all--at a word. In
fact she had no true attachment, as I observed to Arabel at the
time--a child never submitted more meekly to a revoked holiday. Yet
how she was made to suffer. Oh, the dreadful scenes! and only because
she had seemed to feel a little. I told you, I think, that there was
an obliquity--an eccentricity, or something beyond--on one class of
subjects. I hear how her knees were made to ring upon the floor, now!
she was carried out of the room in strong hysterics, and I, who rose
up to follow her, though I was quite well at that time and suffered
only by sympathy, fell flat down upon my face in a fainting-fit.
Arabel thought I was dead.

I have tried to forget it all--but now I must remember--and throughout
our intercourse _I have remembered_. It is necessary to remember so
much as to avoid such evils as are inevitable, and for this reason I
would conceal nothing from you. Do _you_ remember, besides, that there
can be no faltering on my 'part,' and that, if I should remain well,
which is not proved yet, I will do for you what you please and as you
please to have it done. But there is time for considering!

Only ... as you speak of 'counsel,' I will take courage to tell you
that my _sisters know_, Arabel is in most of my confidences, and being
often in the room with me, taxed me with the truth long ago--she saw
that I was affected from