it _isn't_--I will say just so much. And besides I _did_ say that it
was a 'restitution,' which limits the guesses if it does not put an
end to them. Unguessable, I choose it to be.

And now I feel as if I should _not_ stay in England. Which is the
difference between one five minutes and another. May God bless you.

Ever yours,

E.B.B.

_E.B.B. to R.B._

[Post-mark, October 11, 1845.]

Dear Mr. Kenyon has been here again, and talking so (in his kindness
too) about the probabilities as to Pisa being against me ... about all
depending 'on one throw' and the 'dice being loaded' &c. ... that I
looked at him aghast as if he looked at the future through the folded
curtain and was licensed to speak oracles:--and ever since I have been
out of spirits ... oh, out of spirits--and must write myself back
again, or try. After all he may be wrong like another--and I should
tell you that he reasons altogether from the delay ... and that 'the
cabins will therefore be taken' and the 'circular bills' out of reach!
He _said_ that one of his purposes in staying in town, was to
'_knout_' me every day--didn't he?

Well--George will probably speak before _he_ leaves town, which will
be on Monday! and now that the hour approaches, I do feel as if the
house stood upon gunpowder, and as if I held Guy Fawkes's lantern in
my right hand. And no: I shall not go. The obstacles will not be those
of Mr. Kenyon's finding--and what their precise character will be I do
not see distinctly. Only that they will be sufficient, and thrown by
one hand just where the wheel should turn, ... _that_, I see--and you
will, in a few days.

Did you go to Moxon's and settle the printing matter? Tell me. And
what was the use of telling Mr. Kenyon that you were 'quite well' when
you know you are not? Will you say to me how you are, saying the
truth? and also how your mother is?

To show the significance of the omission of those evening or rather
night visits of Papa's--for they came sometimes at eleven, and
sometimes at twelve--I will tell you that he used to sit and talk in
them, and then _always_ kneel and pray with me and for me--which I
used of course to feel as a proof of very kind and affectionate
sympathy on his part, and which has proportionably pained me in the
withdrawing. They were no ordinary visits, you observe, .