u do it he only
'tolerates' the act in you. Once he said ... not to me ... but I heard
of it: 'What, if genius should be nothing but scrofula?' and he doubts
(I very much fear) whether the world is not governed by a throw of
those very same 'loaded dice,' and no otherwise. Yet he reveres genius
in the acting of it, and recognizes a God in creation--only it is but
'so far,' and not farther. At least I think not--and I have a right to
think what I please of him, holding him as I do, in such true
affection. One of the kindest and most indulgent of human beings has
he been to me, and I am happy to be grateful to him.

_Sunday._--The Duke of Palmella takes the whole vessel for the 20th
and therefore if I go it must be on the 17th. Therefore (besides) as
George must be on sessions to-morrow, he will settle the question with
Papa to-night. In the meantime our poor Occy is not much better,
though a little, and is ordered leeches on his head, and is confined
to his bed and attended by physician and surgeon. It is not decided
typhus, but they will not answer for its not being infectious; and
although he is quite at the top of the house, two stories above me, I
shall not like you to come indeed. And then there will be only room
for a farewell, and I who am a coward shrink from the saying of it.
No--not being able to see you to-morrow, (Mr. Kenyon is to be here
to-morrow, he says) let us agree to throw away Wednesday. I will
write, ... you will write perhaps--and above all things you will
promise to write by the 'Star' on Monday, that the captain may give me
your letter at Gibraltar. You promise? But I shall hear from you
before then, and oftener than once, and you will acquiesce about
Wednesday and grant at once that there can be no gain, no good, in
that miserable good-bye-ing. I do not want the pain of it to remember
you by--I shall remember very well without it, be sure. Still it shall
be as you like--as you shall chose--and if you are _disappointed_
about Wednesday (if it is not vain in me to talk of disappointments)
why do with Wednesday as you think best ... always understanding that
there's no risk of infection.

_Monday._--All this I had written yesterday--and to-day it all is
worse than vain. Do not be angry with me--do not think it my
fault--but _I do not go to Italy_ ... it has ended as I feared. What
passed between George and Papa there is no need of telling: only the
latter said that I 'might go if I pleased, but th