Lance Staff Captain (unpaid), and before he tumbled
to the one-way idea his telephone worked both ways and gave him a
lot of trouble. People were always calling _him_ up and asking _him_
questions, which of course wasn't playing the game at all. Sometimes
he never got to bed before 10 P.M., answering questions; often he was
up again at 9 A.M., answering more questions--and such questions!

A sample. On one occasion he rang up his old battalion. One Jimmy
was then Acting Assistant Vice-Adjutant. "Hello, wazzermatter?" said
Jimmy. "Staff Captain speaking," said Patrick sternly. "Please furnish
a return of all cooks, smoke-helmets, bombs, mules, Yukon-packs, tin
bowlers, grease-traps and Plymouth Brothers you have in the field!"

"Easy--beg pardon, yes, Sir," said Jimmy and hung up.

Presently the phone buzzed and there was Jimmy again.

"Excuse me, Sir, but you wanted a return of various commodities we
have in the field. What field?"

"Oh, the field of Mars, fat-head!" Patrick snapped and rang off. A
quarter of an hour later he was called to the phone once more and
the familiar bleat of Jimmy tickled his ear. "Excuse me, Sir--whose
mother?"

On the other hand the great Brass Hat is human and makes a slip, a
clerical error, now and again sufficient to expose his flank. And
then the humble fighting-man can draw his drop of blood if he is
quick about it. To this same long-suffering Jimmy was vouchsafed the
heaven-sent opportunity, and he leapt at it. He got a chit from H.Q.,
dated 6/7/17, which ran thus:--

"In reference to 17326 Pte. Hogan we note that his date of birth is
10/7/17. Please place him in his proper category."

To which Jimmy replied:--

"As according to your showing 17326 Pte. Hogan will not be born for
another four days we are placed in a position of some difficulty.
_Signed_ ----

"P.S.--What if, when the interesting event occurs, 17326 Pte. Hogan
should be a girl?

"P.P.S.--Or twins?"

Our Albert Edward is just back from one of those Army finishing
schools where the young subaltern's knowledge of SHAKESPEARE and the
use of the globes is given a final shampoo before he is pushed over
the top. Albert Edward's academy was situated in a small town where
schools are maintained by all our brave Allies; it is an educational
centre. The French school does the honours of the place and keeps a
tame band, which gives tongue every Sunday evening in the Grand Place.
Thither repair all the young ladies of