with. I missed Ed, a quick witted UCSD recruit with a passion for
mysticism and Jimi Hendrix music. We had studied together at a
computer school in Los Angeles and, back in 1982, we had bicycled from
San Luis Obispo to Monterey, California. I missed Alexander and Marty
and Elizabeth and Carl and Karen and Jeff and...

I missed my brother. Dan had already left Chinmoy to join Rama's
Centre in San Diego. But the closeness we once shared was buried by
too many months and too many miles, by unspoken resentments on his
part, and by a lust for power within Rama's organization on mine.
Ultimately, though, it was the acquired belief that "the past is dust"
that kept us from searching and sifting through finer elements of
memories' shifting sands.

In 1983, my brother nearly left the Centre. He had been hanging out
with Bill, a burly, bearded, freedom-loving forest ranger who decided
that Rama was taking advantage of women disciples or, to put it in his
words, Rama was "dipping into the company ink." My brother, too,
decided that Rama was out of line, and the two of them were planning to
leave. When Rama found out, he summoned me to his house.

"Your brother is about to blow it in a big way," he told me. "This is
your big chance to help him. Get him to call me." I did, and Rama
persuaded him to stay.

I missed my friends and my brother and now, as I roamed the streets of
Concord, I wondered if I would ever see them again. I thought about
contacting pre-Rama friends but I feared that we shared little in
common. Besides, I had treated several of them as if they were
spiritually unrefined, and now it felt awkward to ask for their support.

Later that day, on my way to Walden Pond, I saw a man in his seventies
walking slowly toward me. "It's an omen of death," I thought
nervously. Quickly turning back toward the car, I saw a brief flash of
light--a reflection from something I could not see.

"It's the Forces!" I told myself and slipped down a fearful stretch of
imagination back toward a nightmarish state of mind. Rama's Forces
were back. I got in the car and locked the door. I was scared. I
meditated a few minutes. I asked the Infinite for protection. I drove
around awhile. I had no destination. I recalled something Rama used
to say about reflections. "I am like a perfect mirror. If you ever
perceive me in a negative light, you are seeing nothing more than a
reflection." I pulled into a parking lot o