for June reads, "What
really pisses me off is that Rama changes everything he says,
contradicts himself, turns a situation around completely--so you never
have a handle on him."

The following week, Rama invited me to a group LSD trip at his house.
On July 7th, 1985, I wrote, "... may be a picnic [LSD trip] tomorrow at
Rama's. my intent is: to change my view of reality completely, with
particular attention given toward: *becoming someone who has a
girlfriend, *becoming my own person, i.e., my happiness & well-being is
not hinged upon the absence (parents) or presence (Rama)(girlfriend) of
any person(s)... to regain my kinship with the earth... to renew my
excitement in life, to regain my integrity, self-reliance and
confidence... "

The next day Rama distributed drug-soaked stamps to ten or so followers
in his living room. He let us wander around the house. Hours later,
he called us to the living room and began to talk. And talk. And
talk. I tried to understand how his words were affecting us. I
thought in terms of computers. I decided that he had rebooted us with
LSD and now, as we were coming down, he was downloading his wordy
operating system to our unformatted, receptive minds.

"He's formatting us like floppy disks!" I thought. I was about to
plug my ears with my fingers when suddenly I remembered that I had
brought my journal. I retrieved it and sat back down. Rama was still
talking. In the upper right hand corner of the page, where I typically
included the date, I wrote, "**timeless". I was still high. Then I
wrote, "... the basic Agni Operating System: boot: breath deeply 2x.
Take your time. where is your stomache... who has control of it? NOTE:
nothing else matters. who ever is letting or not letting you take deep
breaths of air-->if this is someone other than me, eliminate them. you
breathe. You take it ez. get good exercise. Learn ANYTHING at a pace
healthy for you! So, 2 traps to avoid: 1) other people... who live my
life (not me living my life); 2) people trying to help me, but i take
it wrong (due to #1). whatever TRIP you're on, remember breathing.
remember who you are... never look to others to patch... Agni... You must
be strong... even now, i am drawing upon a very healthy basic energy
that supports me. That so is good. But over the last 7 years, i have
been always rushing to meet someone else's gap. No thanx... Everyone is
the same. Some people think they are special.