's techniques ended there, I might have seen him as a
confused combination of Big Nurse and McMurphy--and left. But he
managed, by flipping between abusive and supportive personas, to keep
me off balance on an emotionally gut-wrenching roller coaster ride.
Genuine spiritual benefactors were supposed to keep students off
balance, he maintained, because it was only then that they could "let
go and make real leaps in spiritual progress." It was primarily in his
uncanny ability to read an individual or group, and to gauge the
precise instance in which to flip, that Atmananda's brilliance could be
found. I had been unaware that he was speaking to me, controlling me,
through the rhythmic "off" and "on" language of intermittent
reinforcement.

It was painful to grapple with memories of Atmananda and to see him in
such a searing light. But it was far more painful to examine what it
was about me that had complemented his techniques and allowed me to
accept his authority. I thought about how, as a thirteen-year-old, it
had been easier to journey into lives of sorcerers from the Castaneda
books than it was to deal with the emotions of a family in conflict;
years later, it was easier to follow Atmananda's narcotic program than
it was to brave a suppressed conflict of my own. I also realized that
I had grown up feeling blessed, immortal, and immune to the dangers of
the world; later, when Atmananda issued post-coup etiquette and
Stelazine, I found it difficult to admit that I was so wrong for so
long about so many things, and that I was just another victim of one
man's *other* side.

The reluctance to view myself as a victim persisted, and now, draped
with a sleeping bag to protect me from mosquitos, I found it difficult
to admit that the "Atmananda phenomenon" may have had as much to do
with Atmananda, and with me, as it did with the balance of society.
Years later, I wondered if modern American society had been replacing a
system of mythology and religious dogma with a system of reason as a
way to explain ourselves and the world around us. I wondered if there
were a genuine need in humans not only to categorize and comprehend,
but to acknowledge and to address, in unscientific terms, the mystery
of that which creates, binds, animates, and destroys. And I wondered
if teachers like Atmananda were increasingly exploiting such a need in
millions who, for whatever reasons, had chosen a path apart from
conventional religion. P