see her more." Papa had very
little to do with us in Moscow, coming to us only at dinner time, and
lost much in my eyes, with his ostentatious dress, his stewards, his
clerks, and his hunting and business expeditions.

Between us and the girls also an invisible barrier seemed to rise. We
were proud of our trousers and straps, and they of their petticoats,
which increased in length. Their showier Sunday dress made it manifest
that we were no longer in the country. But soon commenced a period of my
life of which it is difficult to trace a record. Rarely during memories
of it do I find moments of the genuine warmth of feeling which so
frequently illumined the earliest years of my life.

Vivid is the recollection of Volodya's entrance at the university. He
was barely two years my senior in age. The day of his first examination
arrived, and he presented a handsome appearance in his blue uniform with
brass buttons and lacquered boots. The examination lasted ten days, and
Volodya, having passed brilliantly, returned on the last day no longer
in blue coat and grey cap, but in student uniform, with blue embroidered
collar, three-cornered hat, and a gilt dagger by his side. Joy and
excitement reigned in the whole household. For the first time since
Mamma's death, Grandmamma drank champagne, and weeps with joy as she
looks at Volodya, who henceforth rode in his own equipage, receives
friends in his own rooms, smokes tobacco, goes to balls.

But soon another incident happened which is engraven on memory. The dear
old Grandmamma was growing daily weaker, and one morning the
announcement thrilled us that she was dead. Again, the house was full of
mourning. In a few months I should be preparing to enter the university.
I was by degrees emerging from my boyish moods, with the exception of
one--a tendency to metaphysical dreaminess, which was fated to do me
much injury in after years.

At this period an intimacy commenced between me and a very remarkable
man, Prince Dmitri Nekhliudoff. He was a tall and commanding figure,
with an extraordinary intellect. Whenever he found me alone, we seated
ourselves in some secluded corner and found mutual delight in
metaphysical discussions. With ecstasy in those moments I soared higher
and higher into the realms of thought. This strange friendship grew. We
agreed to confess everything to each other, and thus we should really
know each other and not be ashamed; but, in order that we should not be