MY POLITICAL CONFESSION.

"I have just received your flattering communication asking me to become
the chairman of No. 2 Ward of the East Marylebone Liberal and Radical
Association. It is the first time my name has ever been associated with
Party politics, and I am puzzled to know myself whether I am a Radical,
a Tory, a Liberal, or a Liberal Unionist!

"I read the _Times_ every morning, and the _Star_ and the _Pall Mall
Gazette_ every evening. I read the sporting papers for their politics,
and the political papers for their literary and artistic notes.

"I work sixteen hours a day myself, and would agree to any law
prohibiting others in my profession from working more than three hours.

"I am strongly opposed to Home Rule, as the disappearance of the Irish
Members (who are invaluable to me in my profession) from St. Stephen's
would be a serious loss to me.

"I agree to paying Members of Parliament, but would propose that they
should be fined for non-attendance, and for the privilege of speaking
too long, too often, or not often enough. These fines, in the majority
of cases, would come to three times the amount of the Member's income.

"I am not in favour of capital punishment, and would do away with all
judges and trials by jury, leaving the Press to fight out the criminal
cases between themselves.

"I believe in free education, free libraries, and a free breakfast
table, and would propose that free book-stalls and free restaurants
should be compulsory on all railways.

"I am strongly opposed to vivisection, and hold that the life of a
rabbit is quite as valuable as that of a professor. At the same time I
would not countenance any law making it a punishable offence to boil a
lobster alive.

"I am a believer in hypnotism, thought-reading, and theosophy (I have
been a bit of an amateur conjurer myself).

"Right of public meeting? Certainly. This should be a free
country--everyone do as he likes. Football in Hyde Park, and fairs in
Trafalgar Square. Equal freedom for all processions--if Booth can stop
the traffic, why not Sanger's menagerie?

"As to local option, by all means let all public-houses be closed. (I
never enter one.) And all clubs, too, so long as my own are not
interfered with.

"I am not at present a member of any political club, but if you wish me
to become one I will put up at the Reform, ei