of that night, as I
was standing at the open window, did it grow clear to me that next
morning an hour would come by which my whole future must be determined.
And then I began to feel ... as if faint shiverings had been streaming
down my body. Below me I could see the stretch of road along which I
had just come. It ran on and on through the country, climbing the hills
that cut off the view, and losing itself in the open, the limitless....
It led to thousands of unknown and invisible roads, all of which at
that moment remained at my disposal. It seemed to me as if my future,
radiant with glory and adventure, lay waiting for me behind those
hills--but for me alone. Life was mine--but only this one life. And in
order to seize it and enjoy it fully--in order to live it as it had
been shaped for me by fate--I needed the carelessness and freedom I had
enjoyed until then. And I marveled almost at my own readiness to give
away the recklessness of my youth and the fullness of my existence....
And to what purpose?--For the sake of a passion which, after all,
despite its ardor and its transports, had begun like many others, and
would be destined to end like all of them.

FELIX

Destined to end...? _Must_ come to an end?

JULIAN

Yes. Must. The moment I foresaw the end, I had in a measure reached it.
To wait for something that must come, means to go through it a thousand
times--to go through it helplessly and needlessly and resentfully. This
I felt acutely at that moment. And it frightened me. At the same time I
felt clearly that I was about to act like a brute and a traitor toward
a human being who had given herself to me in full confidence.--But
everything seemed more desirable--not only for me, but for her
also--than a slow, miserable, unworthy decline. And all my scruples
were submerged in a monstrous longing to go on with my life as before,
without duties or ties. There wasn't much time left for consideration.
And I was glad of it. I had made up my mind. I didn't wait for the
morning. Before the stars had set, I was off.

FELIX

You ran away....

JULIAN

Call it anything you please.--Yes, it was a flight, just as good and
just as bad, just as precipitate and just as cowardly as any
other--with all the horrors of being pursued and all the joys of
escaping. I am hiding nothing from you, Felix. You are still young, and
it is even possible that you may understand it better than I can
understand it myself to-day. Nothin