I had lost my pocket
pen, a cheap affair made of tin. I instructed him to find it, and J. B.
is one of those perfect factotums who do as they are told. He has a
sharp eye and no scruples, and so, owing to the fact that three other
officers live in my billet, he was able to find two valuable fountain
pens and one stylographic in no time. The exigencies of war necessitate
some little irregularity now and then; but how, I asked him, did he
justify this excess of zeal? J. B. is distinguished by a lisp among
other things. "It'th betht to be on the thafe thide, Thir," said he.

We had an all-night outpost job on this week, at which my company
achieved an unpremeditated success--unpremeditated by the authorities,
that is. Before setting out we had been threatened with the heaviest
penalties if we were discovered at any moment in a dereliction of duty,
which meant that the Adjutant proposed to pay us a surprise visit and
had every hope of discovering responsible officers asleep at their
posts. Those who know will tell you that the hour before dawn is that
during which an attack is most likely in real war; they also assert that
this is the most likely period for derelictions in imitation war, and
so, as we anticipated all along, this was the time selected for the
surprise visit. But we were not caught napping, Sir; every possible
approach to our picket was protected by strong groups, each instructed
to let no one pass on any account and least of all those who attempted
to trick them by a pretence of authority, however realistic that
pretence might be. Thus it fell out that when the Adjutant was sighted
he was instantly accosted and firmly apprehended. Inasmuch as he refused
to be led blindfold through our lines, he was not allowed to approach
our august selves at all, but was retained until such time as we cared
to approach him. Mind you, I'm not saying we were asleep; merely I show
you how thoroughly we do our work. It is not mine that is the master
mind; it is my skipper's, a man upon whose ready cunning I rely to bring
me to Berlin and its choicest light beer well in advance of all other
victorious forces.

It used to be our Brigadier's fad that officers commanding companies
should know the names of all their men, and lately he took upon himself
to test it. Captain after captain, upon being asked to name a selected
man, had to confess ignorance; not so my skipper. He knew them all.
"What is that man's name?" asked the Brigad