sked his father
for a hundred pounds. "Zounds, sir," said Colly, "can't you live upon
your salary? When I was your age, I never spent a farthing of my
father's money."--"But you have spent a great deal of _my father's_,"
replied Theophilus. This retort had the desired effect.

CCCIII.--A NOVELTY.

A PERSON was boasting that he had never spoken the truth. "Then," added
another, "you have _now_ done it for the first time."

CCCIV.--SCOTCH UNDERSTANDING.

A LADY asked a very silly Scotch nobleman, how it happened that the
Scots who came out of their own country were, generally speaking, men of
more abilities than those who remained at home. "O madam," said he, "the
reason is obvious. At every outlet there are persons stationed to
examine all who pass, that, for the honor of the country, no one be
permitted to leave it who is not a man of understanding."--"Then," said
she, "I suppose your lordship was _smuggled_."

CCCV.--BRUTAL AFFECTIONS.

THE attachment of some ladies to their lap-dogs amounts, in some
instances, to infatuation. An ill-tempered lap-dog biting a piece out of
a male visitor's leg, his mistress thus expressed her _compassion_:
"Poor little dear creature! I hope it will not make him sick!"

CCCVI.--AN INTRODUCTORY CEREMONY.

AN alderman of London once requested an author to write a speech for him
to speak at Guildhall. "I must first dine with you," replied he, "and
see how you open your mouth, _that I may know what sort of words will
fit it_."

CCCVII.--WHIG AND TORY.

WHIG and Tory scratch and bite,
Just as hungry dogs we see;
Toss a bone 'twixt two, they fight;
Throw a couple, they agree.

CCCVIII.--CONTRABAND SCOTCHMAN.

A PERSON was complimenting Mrs. ---- on her acting a certain female
character so well. "To do justice to that character," replied the lady,
modestly, "one should be young and handsome."--"Nay, madam," replied the
gentleman, "you are a complete proof of the _contrary_."

CCCIX.--A PLACEBO.

WHEN Mr. Canning was about giving up Gloucester Lodge, Brompton, he said
to his gardener, as he took a farewell look of the grounds, "I am sorry,
Fraser, to leave this _old_ place."--"Psha, sir," said George, "don't
fret; when you had this _old_ place, you were _out_ of place; now you
are _in place_, you can get both _yourself and me a better place_." The
hint was taken, and old George provided f