Then a remnant of my former fortune which had been in litigation was
settled in my favour, and I had a little ready money. Immediately I
left off frequenting the poor Doxies of whom I have told, and went to a
higher class, in a better neighbourhood. My money was soon gone, for I
had debts among other things to settle out of it. Whilst it lasted I
had some very nice women, among whom I shall always recollect a tall,
superbly shaped creole, with dazzling white teeth (a feature in women
which always has had a great attraction for me), and who was one of the
most voluptuous women in her embraces I ever yet have had; but she was
plain almost to ugliness. In the rest of my amours there was nothing to
need special notice, they were all fugitive, and the women were changed
frequently.

It is difficult to narrate more without divulging my outer life. I would
fain keep that hidden, but it is impossible, I shall however tell as
little as may be and obscure it, but without falsifying or distorting
any facts relating to my amorous pranks, some of which were not sought
by me. I fain would have led a steadier life, and wished a home with a
woman I could love; but I had an unquiet home, and a woman there whom
I hated in bed and at board. I tried at times to overcome my antipathy,
abstained from women for weeks at a time, so that sexual want might
generate a sort of love, but it was useless, without reward, and a life
of misery was before me. I broke out under it, wonder I did not break
down, and should have done so, had it not been for whores. Cunt came
to my rescue, and alone gave me forgetfulness, a relief far better
than gambling or drinking, the only other alternatives I could have had
recourse to.

And now I pass over a short period, in which I did much the same as I
have just written of, until a lucky sympathy brought me a happier change
in my amours.

CHAPTER XIX.

My home life.--Heart-broken.--In the parlour.--Maid Mary's
sympathy.--Don't cry master.--On the sofa.--Both in lust.--
Impotent.

I was still poor, but had got into an employment, and was living in a
small eight-roomed house. I kept one servant only, but was pinched to
keep up appearances. None of the outside world could have known how much
I was pinched. I went home regularly, sat for hours by myself reading,
brooding, fretting, and even crying bitter tears, at the time I take up
my narrative.

Our servant was named Mary. A tall woman a