weeks I had barely
had an emission, excepting by nocturnal dreams; and though dying for a
genial fuck, yet avoided it, and worked at my occupation to get money
and forget my troubles. This woman changed all my resolves, and launched
me again into sexual pleasures. I may remark also, curious as it may
seem, that instead of fattening, and getting strong by abstinence, I got
just the reverse. Every time I spent involuntarily on my night-shirt,
I awaked fatigued, agitated, nervous. I lost appetite, got thinner and
thinner, and more and more miserable the less I had women.

One fine summer's afternoon I came home before my usual time, it was
about four o'clock P.M. Mary opened the door, she was alone in the
house. I went to my room, then came down into the parlours, and for a
time sat there looking into my garden and smoking. Grief overcame me as
I looked round at the home in which there was no one to welcome me, so
I walked into the garden, and saw the maid doing some work at the back
kitchen door. "Your mistress is out?" I had never on any day asked that
before, as far as I can recollect, not caring to know; and she might
have been upstairs. "Yes sir." "Did she say when she would return?" "No
sir, but it will be I dare say about the usual time." "When is that?"
"Half-past five, or six o'clock, perhaps later." I again turned down the
garden, and as that did not relieve my dullness, returned to the house.
I could not read though I tried, sat down on a chair by the dining-room
table, laid my head on my hands upon it, and thought of my unhappy home
till I cried bitterly.

A hand laid on my shoulder, a voice said, "Don't you take on so
Master,--don't you now,--she's not worth it,--cheer up,--don't you take
on so." I looked up, it was Mary looking full at me, her eyes full of
tears.

I started up astonished. "I beg your pardon," said she looking
uncomfortable, "I couldn't bear to see you so unhappy." Her interest in
me struck me to the heart, without premeditation I threw my arms
round her, pressed her mouth to mine, it unresistingly met it, and we
passionately kissed for two or three minutes; kissed till I recovered
my senses, my tears still running down, and then said, "Mary you
_are_ kind,--you are a dear, good girl,--a good, affectionate, loving
creature,--I am unhappy, miserable, but how do you know that?" "How
could I be off of knowing?--how could you be anything else with
her?--but don't take on so Master,--she beant