I saw her my cock stiffened,
it kept stiff all the evening, I could not sleep for it, was tempted to
fuck, or frig myself, but did neither, feeling sure I should have Mary,
and would not spend a drop of my sperm till I did. "What does she think
of me?--will she believe I am a man?--will she let me again?--when shall
I get the chance?--what enervated me so at the critical moment?--oh! my
God if she lets me, and I am seized so again, what shall I do then?"--and
so on ran my thoughts. I lay planning how to get her the whole night,
and awakened haggard and unrefreshed in the morning.

Then I reflected less nervously. "My finger has been up her cunt," I
thought, "no pain, no recoil,--how quiet she laid,--then she has been
fucked before,--then what must she think of me?" and so on ran my
thoughts till I was in an agony of disgrace. My haggard look was
noticed. I was worried, and should not be home to dinner. "Why?" That
was my business. Well then she would spend the afternoon with Mrs.
-------- would I fetch her? Yes at half-past ten o'clock. She wanted to
come home earlier. Then she might come by herself. Well then she would
wait for me till half-past ten.

CHAPTER XX.

The next day.--On the door-mat.--On the sofa.--On her
belly.--Eight hours fucking.--At a brothel.--An afternoon's
amusement.

Instead of being late I went home about two P.M., just after luncheon
time. "Is Mary alone, or not?" I thought, and had arranged for that. I
waited in a cab, told a boy to take a letter to No.--but not to give it
unless the lady was at home; if she were not, to bring it back to me,
and he should have a shilling when he returned to me. If asked, he was
to say he had been told to leave it, but not to say by whom. The letter
was properly addressed, but inside was a sheet of blank paper only. Back
he came with the letter,--the lady was out.

Even then I was not sure, so drove up and down two or three times in
front of my house, to see if I could discover any signs of Mary not
being alone, and then I dismissed the cab. My prick had been standing on
and off all day, I was in a fearful state of nervous erotic excitement.
When I thought of her beautiful belly my prick nearly lifted me off the
seat, the next minute I had fears of being taken as I had been the day
previously. Would she let me now?--would she be in the mood?--would she
not laugh at me, instead of putting her arms around my neck, and her
eyes fill with t