, and it is
well for me that it was so.

These were my two acts of the year, and I said, "I cannot be wrong in
making them; let that follow which must follow in the thoughts of
the world about me, when they see what I do." They fully answered my
purpose. What I felt as a simple duty to do, did create a general
suspicion about me, without such responsibility as would be involved
in my taking the initiative in creating it. Then, when friends wrote
me on the subject, either I did not deny or I confessed it, according
to the character and need of their letters. Sometimes, in the case of
intimate friends, whom I seemed to leave in ignorance of what others
knew about me, I invited the question.

And here comes in another point for explanation. While I was fighting
for the Anglican Church in Oxford, then indeed I was very glad to
make converts, and, though I never broke away from that rule of my
mind (as I may call it) of which I have already spoken, of finding
disciples rather than seeking them, yet, that I made advances to
others in a special way, I have no doubt; this came to an end,
however, as soon as I fell into misgivings as to the true ground to
be taken in the controversy. Then, when I gave up my place in the
Movement, I ceased from any such proceeding: and my utmost endeavour
was to tranquillise such persons, especially those who belonged to
the new school, as were unsettled in their religious views, and, as I
judged, hasty in their conclusions. This went on till 1843; but, at
that date, as soon as I turned my face Romeward, I gave up altogether
and in any shape, as far as ever was possible, the thought of acting
upon others. Then I myself was simply my own concern. How could I in
any sense direct others, who had to be guided in so momentous a
matter myself? How could I be considered in a position, even to say a
word to them one way or the other? How could I presume to unsettle
them, as I was unsettled, when I had no means of bringing them out of
such unsettlement? And, if they were unsettled already, how could I
point to them a place of refuge, which I was not sure that I should
choose for myself? My only line, my only duty, was to keep simply
to my own case. I recollected Pascal's words, "Je mourrai seul." I
deliberately put out of my thoughts all other works and claims, and
said nothing to any one, unless I was obliged.

But this brought upon me a great trouble. In the newspapers there
were continual reports a