ea
afloat that my retirement from the Anglican Church was owing to the
feeling that I had so been thrust aside, without any one's taking my
part. Various measures were, I believe, talked of in consequence of
this surmise. Coincidently with it was an exceedingly kind article
about me in a quarterly, in its April number. The writer praised me
in feeling and beautiful language far above my deserts. In the course
of his remarks, he said, speaking of me as Vicar of St. Mary's: "He
had the future race of clergy hearing him. Did he value and feel
tender about, and cling to his position? ...Not at all.... No
sacrifice to him perhaps, he did not care about such things."

This was the occasion of my writing to a very intimate friend the
following letter:--

"April 3, 1845.... Accept this apology, my dear C., and forgive me.
As I say so, tears come into my eyes--that arises from the accident
of this time, when I am giving up so much I love. Just now I have
been overset by A. B.'s article in the C. D.; yet really, my dear C.,
I have never for an instant had even the temptation of repenting my
leaving Oxford. The feeling of repentance has not even come into my
mind. How could it? How could I remain at St. Mary's a hypocrite? how
could I be answerable for souls (and life so uncertain), with the
convictions, or at least persuasions, which I had upon me? It is
indeed a responsibility to act as I am doing; and I feel His hand
heavy on me without intermission, who is all Wisdom and Love, so that
my heart and mind are tired out, just as the limbs might be from
a load on one's back. That sort of dull aching pain is mine; but
my responsibility really is nothing to what it would be, to be
answerable for souls, for confiding loving souls, in the English
Church, with my convictions. My love to Marriott, and save me the
pain of sending him a line."

In July a bishop thought it worth while to give out to the world that
"the adherents of Mr. Newman are few in number. A short time will now
probably suffice to prove this fact. It is well known that he is
preparing for secession; and, when that event takes place, it will be
seen how few will go with him."

All this time I was hard at my essay on Doctrinal Development. As I
advanced, my view so cleared that instead of speaking any more of
"the Roman Catholics," I boldly called them Catholics. Before I got
to the end, I resolved to be received, and the book remains in the
state in which it was t