state of opinion, I urged
the Provost in vain to let St. Mary's be separated from Littlemore;
thinking I might with a safe conscience serve the latter, though I
could not comfortably continue in so public a place as a University.
This was before No. 90.

"Finally, I have acted under advice, and that, not of my own
choosing, but what came to me in the way of duty, nor the advice of
those only who agree with me, but of near friends who differ from me.

"I have nothing to reproach myself with, as far as I see, in the
matter of impatience; _i.e._ practically or in conduct. And I trust
that He, who has kept me in the slow course of change hitherto, will
keep me still from hasty acts or resolves with a doubtful conscience.

"This I am sure of, that such interposition as yours, kind as it is,
only does what _you_ would consider harm. It makes me realise my own
views to myself; it makes me see their consistency; it assures me of
my own deliberateness; it suggests to me the traces of a Providential
Hand; it takes away the pain of disclosures; it relieves me of a
heavy secret.

"You may make what use of my letters you think right."

My correspondent wrote to me once more, and I replied thus: "October
31, 1843. Your letter has made my heart ache more, and caused me more
and deeper sighs than any I have had a long while, though I assure
you there is much on all sides of me to cause sighing and heartache.
On all sides I am quite haunted by the one dreadful whisper repeated
from so many quarters, and causing the keenest distress to friends.
You know but a part of my present trial, in knowing that I am
unsettled myself.

"Since the beginning of this year I have been obliged to tell the
state of my mind to some others; but never, I think, without being in
a way obliged, as from friends writing to me as you did, or guessing
how matters stood. No one in Oxford knows it or here" [Littlemore],
"but one friend whom I felt I could not help telling the other day.
But, I suppose, very many suspect it."

On receiving these letters, my correspondent, if I recollect rightly,
at once communicated the matter of them to Dr. Pusey, and this will
enable me to state as nearly as I can the way in which my changed
state of opinion was made known to him.

I had from the first a great difficulty in making Dr. Pusey
understand such differences of opinion as existed between himself
and me. When there was a proposal about the end of 1838 for a
subs