ey used to swear
and shout at it as I did; but now their spirit seems crushed. That is
what happens: you either break the telephone, or the telephone breaks
you. You want to see a man two streets off. You might put on your hat,
and be round at his office in five minutes. You are on the point of
starting when the telephone catches your eye. You think you will ring
him up to make sure he is in. You commence by ringing up some half-dozen
times before anybody takes any notice of you whatever. You are burning
with indignation at this neglect, and have left the instrument to sit
down and pen a stinging letter of complaint to the Company when the
ring-back re-calls you. You seize the ear trumpets, and shout--

"How is it that I can never get an answer when I ring? Here have I been
ringing for the last half-hour. I have rung twenty times." (This is
a falsehood. You have rung only six times, and the "half-hour" is an
absurd exaggeration; but you feel the mere truth would not be adequate
to the occasion.) "I think it disgraceful," you continue, "and I shall
complain to the Company. What is the use of my having a telephone if I
can't get any answer when I ring? Here I pay a large sum for having
this thing, and I can't get any notice taken. I've been ringing all the
morning. Why is it?"

Then you wait for the answer.

"What--what do you say? I can't hear what you say."

"I say I've been ringing here for over an hour, and I can't get any
reply," you call back. "I shall complain to the Company."

"You want what? Don't stand so near the tube. I can't hear what you say.
What number?"

"Bother the number; I say why is it I don't get an answer when I ring?"

"Eight hundred and what?"

You can't argue any more, after that. The machine would give way under
the language you want to make use of. Half of what you feel would
probably cause an explosion at some point where the wire was weak.
Indeed, mere language of any kind would fall short of the requirements
of the case. A hatchet and a gun are the only intermediaries through
which you could convey your meaning by this time. So you give up all
attempt to answer back, and meekly mention that you want to be put in
communication with four-five-seven-six.

"Four-nine-seven-six?" says the girl.

"No; four-five-seven-six."

"Did you say seven-six or six-seven?"

"Six-seven--no! I mean seven-six: no--wait a minute. I don't know what I
do mean now."

"Well, I wish you'd find out," s