that future, or any future worth speaking
of, by--well, something had happened which divided me utterly and
uncompromisingly and forever from the friends, and the sphere, and the
respect and affection of those who had been parents and brother and
sister to me. Then I knew that their good opinion, their love, was my
law and my highest desire. And it was not their fault--it was mine--my
very own.

"The more I look back upon it all, the more I see that I have myself to
thank for it. But that reflection, as you may suppose, does not add to
the delights of a man's position when he is humbled to the dust as I was
then. Biting the dust--you have that phrase in English. Well, I have
been biting the dust--yes, eating it, living upon it, and deservedly so,
for five years; but nothing ever can, nothing ever will, make it taste
anything but dry, bitter, nauseating to the last degree."

"Go on!" said I, breathlessly.

"How kind you are to listen to the dull tale! Well, I had my boy
Sigmund, and there were times when the mere fact that he was mine made
me forget everything else, and thank my fate for the simple fact that I
lived and was his father. His father--he was a part of myself, he could
divine my every thought. But at other times, generally indeed, I was
sick of life--that life. Don't suppose that I am one of those high-flown
idiots who would make it out that no life is worth living: I knew and
felt to my soul that the life from which I had locked myself out and
then dropped the key as it were here in midstream, was a glorious life,
worth living ten times over.

"There was the sting of it. For three years I lived thus, and learned a
great deal, learned what men in that position are--learned to respect,
admire, and love some of them--learned to understand that man--_der
Mensch_--is the same, and equally to be honored everywhere. I also tried
to grow accustomed to the thought, which grew every day more certain to
me, that I must live on so for the future--to plan my life, and shape
out a certain kind of repentance for sins past. I decided that the only
form my atonement could take was that of self-effacement--"

"That is why you never would take the lead in anything."

"Exactly. I am naturally fond of leading. I love beyond everything to
lead those who I know like me, and like following me. When I was
_haupt_--I mean, I knew that all that by-gone mischief had arisen from
doing what I liked, so I dropped doing what I liked,