ou. I wanted to. (_Shakes hands with_ Tranto.)

MRS. CULVER. What's the matter, Arthur?

CULVER. Everything.

MRS. CULVER (_alarmed, but carefully coaxing_). Why are you wearing your
velvet coat? (_To_ Tranto.) He always puts on his velvet coat instead of
dressing when something's gone wrong. (_To_ Mr. Culver.) Have you got
neuralgia again?

CULVER. I don't think so.

MRS. CULVER. But surely you must know! You look terribly pale.

CULVER. The effect of the velvet coat, my dear--nicely calculated in
advance.

MRS. CULVER (_darting at him, holding him by the shoulders, and then
kissing him violently. With an intonation of affectionate protest_).
Darling!

JOHN. Oh! I say, mater, look here!

MRS. CULVER (_to_ Culver, _still holding him_). I'm very annoyed with
you. It's perfectly absurd the way you work. (_To_ Tranto.) Do you know
he was at the office all day Christmas Day and all day Boxing Day? (_To_
Culver.) You really must take a holiday.

CULVER. But what about the war, darling?

MRS. CULVER (_loosing him_). Oh! You're always making the war an excuse.
I know what I shall do. I shall just go--

CULVER. Yes, darling, just go and suggest a short armistice to the
Germans while you take me to Brighton for a week's fondling.

MRS. CULVER. I shall just speak to Miss Starkey. Strange that the wife,
in order to influence the husband, should have to appeal to
(_disdainfully_) the lady secretary! But so it is.

CULVER. Hermione, I must beg you not to interfere between Miss Starkey
and me. Interference will upset Miss Starkey, and I cannot stand her
being upset. I depend upon her absolutely. First, Miss Starkey is the
rock upon which my official existence is built. She is a serious and
conscientious rock. She is hard and expects me to be hard. Secondly,
Miss Starkey is the cushion between me and the world. She knows my
tender spots, and protects them. Thirdly, Miss Starkey is my rod--and I
kiss it.

MRS. CULVER. Arthur!... (_tries to be agreeable_). But I really am
vexed.

CULVER. Well, I'm only hungry.

_Enter_ Parlourmaid.

PARLOURMAID. Cook's compliments, madam, and dinner will be twenty
minutes late. (_Exit_.)

(_A shocked silence_.)

CULVER (_with an exhausted sigh_). And yet I gave that cook one of my
most captivating smiles this morning.

MRS. CULVER (_settling_ Mr. Culver _into a chair_). She's done it simply
because I told her to-night that rationing is definitely coming in. Her
reply was th