to in his turn regards me as prehistoric; and yet you are so behind
the times as to imagine that the first duty of modern Governments is to
govern! My dear Rip van Winkle, wake up. The first duty of a Government
is to live. It has no right to be a Government at all unless it is
convinced that if it fell the country would go to everlasting smash.
Hence its first duty is to survive. In order to survive it must do three
things--placate certain interests, influence votes, and obtain secret
funds. All these three things can be accomplished by the ingenious
institution of Honours. Only the simple-minded believe that Honours are
given to honour. Honours are given to save the life of the Government.
Hence the Honours List. Examine the Honours List and you can instantly
tell how the Government feels in its inside. When the Honours List is
full of rascals, millionaires, and--er--chumps, you may be quite sure
that the Government is dangerously ill.

TRANTO. But that amounts to what we've been saying in _The Echo_ to-day.

CULVER. Yes, I've read the _The Echo_.

JOHN. I thought you never had a free moment at the office--always rushed
to death--at least that's the mater's theory.

CULVER. I've read _The Echo_, and my one surprise is that you're here
to-night, Tranto.

TRANTO. Why?

CULVER. I quite thought you'd have been shoved into the Tower under the
Defence of the Realm Act. Or Sampson Straight, anyway. (Hildegarde
_starts_.) Your contributor has committed the unpardonable sin of
hitting the nail on the head. He might almost have seen an advance copy
of the Honours List.

TRANTO. He hadn't. Nor had I. Who's in it?

CULVER. You might ask who isn't in it. (_Taking a paper from his
pocket_.) Well, Gentletie's in it. He gets a knighthood.

TRANTO. Never heard of him. Who is he?

HILDEGARDE. Oh, yes, you've heard of him. (John _glances at her
severely_.) He's M.P. for some earthly paradise or other in the South
Riding.

TRANTO. Oh!

CULVER. Perhaps I might read you something written by my private
secretary--he's one of these literary wags. You see there's been a
demand that the Government should state clearly, in every case of an
Honour, exactly what services the Honour is given for. This (_taking
paper from his pocket_) is supposed to be the stuff sent round to the
Press by the Press Bureau. (_Reads_.) 'Mr. Gentletie has gradually made
a solid reputation for himself as the dullest man in the House of
Commons. Whenever