BRELLA FIEND."_

[Illustration]

Provide yourself with a steel-plated umbrella (carriage size), with
a "non-conducting" handle. When open in a shower, where people are
hurrying, let the framework bristle with sharp penknife points. Held
firmly in front of you, you will find everyone get out of your way.
In entering a crowded omnibus or railway carriage, by touching a knob,
let the heat generated by the electric current instantly cause the
whole to become "red-hot." Dexterously moved about in front of you,
you will find this a most thoroughly protecting weapon, clearing
instantly a large space on each side of you, and even sometimes
involving the summoning of the conductor or guard, with a view to your
removal either to another compartment, or even a general request for
your expulsion from the vehicle altogether. This may lead possibly to
your enjoyment of an entire compartment to yourself; for, of course,
you will point out that you cannot be expected to travel without your
umbrella, which, after all, happens merely to be constructed on a
newly-patented principle.

_THE "HANSOM CAB FIEND."_

This is easily overcome. You have merely to employ an agent to
purchase a second-hand steam-roller for you, put in a high-pressure
boiler, and the thing is done. With practice, you can easily get eight
miles an hour out of one of these excellent machines, and you will
find a general indifference as to the rule of the road, especially
if you turn a corner or two at a stiff pace, act as a capital
"road-clearer." Even the smartest butcher's cart will do its best to
get out of your way when it sees you coming.

_THE "PIANO ORGAN, GERMAN BAND, AND GENERAL STREET MUSIC FIEND."_

Get (your best way is through a friend at the Admiralty) several
fog-horns rejected by the Department on account of their excessive and
unbearable shrillness. Whenever any sort of street music commences at
either end of your street, turn on, by an apparatus specially
arranged in your area, the full force of the above. This will not only
overpower your would-be tormentors, but bring every householder in
the neighbourhood to his street-door begging you to desist. You
have merely to say, "When they stop, _I_ turn off," to get them to
comprehend the situation. It may possibly lead to the intervention of
the police, probably in some force; but the net result will be that
you will, for that morning, at least, enjoy a quiet street.

There are other London fiends