--and perhaps _you_ consider them clever,
You're a poet, no doubt, of a _minor_ degree,
But I never was startled so strangely--no, never!
As to learn that the lady you mentioned was me!

In the coolest of ways you sum up my attractions,
Pray allow me to turn my attention to _you_.
You are good, I believe, at the vulgarest fractions,
You have cheek and assurance sufficient for two.
You are what people reckon "a nice sort of fellow,"
Your sense of importance very strongly you feel.
You are bilious, you've got a complexion of yellow,
You are plainer than I am--which says a good deal.

"Am I free altogether from blame in the matter?"--
And as to my frowning, I don't know the way--
Do you really imagine that insolent chatter
Can affect me, or that _I_ care for what people say?
With fervent adorers around by the dozen,
For whom but my word is the law of their life.
Do you think I'd occasion to pitch on a cousin,
And announce that _you_ wanted myself as your wife?

Do not think I am angry, I am good at forgiving,
Have my constant refusals then made you so sour?
Even poets in _Punch_ have to write for their living,
And must wear their poor lives out at so much the hour.
I am weary and tired of being proposed to,
And at times I'm afraid it will injure my brain,
But my heart for the future yourself, mind, is closed to,
So don't, I implore, come proposing again.

* * * * *

A REAL BURNING QUESTION.--What should be done with the mischievous and
malicious noodles who communicate false alarms (to the number of 518
in one year) to the London Fire Brigade, by means of the fire-alarm
posts fixed for public convenience and protection in the public
thoroughfares? The almost appropriate Stake is out of date, but _Mr.
Punch_ opines that the Pillory would be none too bad for them.

* * * * *

THE BULL, THE BEAR, AND THE OXUS.--Russia, it is asserted, "intends to
annex the whole of the elevated plateaus known as the Pamirs, and all
parts of Afghanistan north of a straight line drawn from Lake Victoria
to the junction of the Kotcha River with the Oxus." JOHN BULL might
say, "I should like to Kotcha at it!"

* * * * *

SOME LONDON "FIENDS."

(_HOW TO EXORCISE, AFTER READING CORRESPONDENCE ON THE SUBJECT IN
SEVERAL "DAILIES."_)

_THE "WALKING-STICK AND UM