ong the powers of
the earth the sobriety to which the laws of pessimism entitle them, a
decent disrespect to the opinions of drinkers requires that they should
declare the causes which impel them to drouth.

WHEREAS we hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are
created sober, and are endowed with certain inalienable rights, such as
Life, Grievances, and the Pursuit of Other People's Happiness. Whenever
any form of amusement becomes destructive of these ends, it is the
right of the Pan-Antis to abolish it. Prudence, indeed, will dictate
that beverages long established should not be abolished for light and
transient causes. But when it is evident that Nature herself is in
conspiracy against the Constitution of the United States, and that
millions of so-called human beings have found in forbidden tipples a
cause for mirth and merriment, it is time to call a halt to malt, and
have no parley with barley.

WHEREAS it has frequently and regrettably been evidenced that Nature is
a sot at heart, by reason of her deplorably lax morals. Painful as it
is to make the admission, there are many of her apparently innocent
fruits and plants that are susceptible, by the unlawful processes of
fermentation and effervescence, of transformation into alcoholic
liquid. Science tells us that this abominable form of activity to which
Nature is privy is in reality a form of decomposition or putrefaction;
but willful men will hardly be restrained by science in their illicit
pursuit of frivolity.

WHEREAS Nature (hereinafter referred to as The Enemy) has been guilty
of repeated ruptures of the Constitution of the United States, having
permitted the juice of apples to ferment into cider, having encouraged
seditious effervescence on the part of gooseberries, currants, raisins,
grapes and similar conspirators; having fomented outrageous yeastiness
in hops, malt, rye, barley and other grains and fodders,

THEREFORE be it enacted, and it hereby is, that all relations with the
Enemy are hereby and henceforward suspended; and any citizen of the
United States having commerce with Nature, or giving her aid and
comfort or encouragement in her atrocious alcoholshevik designs on
human dignity, be, and hereby is, guilty of treason and lese-sobriety.

BE IT ALSO enacted, and it hereby is, that the principle of
fermentation is forbidden in the territory of the United States; and
all plants, herbs, legumes, vegetables, fruits and foliage showing