e much to discredit the
old bland Jeffersonian toper who carried tippling to the level of a
fine art. I have no patience with the doctrine of complete immersion.
Ever since I was first admitted to the bar I have deplored the conduct
of those violent and vulgar revelers who have brought discredit upon
the loveliest, most delicate art known to man. Now, at last, by supreme
wisdom, drinking is to be elevated to the dignity of a career. I like
to think that I express your sentiment when I say that drinking is too
precious, too subtle, too fragile a function to be entrusted to the
common crowd. Therefore I heartily applaud your admirable intention of
entrusting it entirely to me, and look forward with profound
satisfaction to the privilege of enshrining and perpetuating in my own
person the genial traditions that have clustered round the institution
of Liquor. If elected, I shall endeavor to carry on the fine old
rituals and pass them down unimpaired to the next incumbent. I shall
endeavor to make duty a pleasure, and pleasure a duty. I shall remind
myself that I am only performing the service to humanity that each one
of you would willingly render if you were in my place.

"My fellow-citizens, I thank you for your amiable confidence, and am
happy to accept the nomination."

There were some who criticized this speech on the ground that it was
too academic. It was remembered that Mr. Bleak had at one time been a
school-teacher, and his opponents were quick to raise the cry "What can
a schoolmaster know about liquor?" It was said that Mr. Bleak was too
scholarly, too aloof, too cold-blooded: that his interest in booze was
merely philosophical, that he would be incompetent to deal with the
practical problems of actual drinking: that he would surround himself
with drinks that would be mere puppets, subservient entirely to his own
purposes. The adherents of Jerry Purplevein, the nominee of the other
party, made haste to assert that Bleak was not a drinker at all but was
a tool of the Chuff machine. Jerry was a former bartender who had been
pining away in the ice-cream cone business. Huge banners appeared
across the streets, showing highly colored pictures of Mr. Purplevein
plying his original profession, with the legend:

RALLY ROUND THE FLAGON

VOTE FOR

PURPLEVEIN

THE PRACTICAL MAN

One of the exciting features of the campaign was the sudden appearance
of a Woman's Party, which launched an ably-condu