F. Hopkinson
Smith.

THE PESSIMIST[76]

BEN F. KING

Nothing to do but work,
Nothing to eat but food,
Nothing to wear but clothes
To keep one from going nude.

Nothing to breathe but air,
Quick as a flash 'tis gone;
Nowhere to fall but off,
Nowhere to stand but on.

Nothing to comb but hair,
Nowhere to sleep but in bed,
Nothing to weep but tears,
Nothing to bury but dead.

Nothing to sing but songs,
Ah, well, alas! alack!
Nowhere to go but out,
Nowhere to come but back.

Nothing to see but sights,
Nothing to quench but thirst,
Nothing to have but what we've got,
Thus thro' life we are cursed.

Nothing to strike but a gait;
Everything moves that goes.
Nothing at all but common sense
Can ever withstand these woes.

FOOTNOTE:

[76] By permission of the author and Forbes & Co., publishers.

SCHNEIDER SEES LEAH

ANONYMOUS

I vant to dold you vat it is, dot's a putty nice play. De first dime dot
you see Leah, she runs cross a pridge, mit some fellers chasin' her mit
putty big shticks. Dey ketch her right in de middle of der edge, und der
leader (dot's de villen), he sez of her, "Dot it's better ven she dies,
und dot he coodent allow it dot she can lif." Und de oder fellers
hollers out, "So ve vill;" "Gife her some deth;" "Kill her putty quick;"
"Shmack her of der jaw," und such dings; und chust as dey vill kill her,
de priest says of dem, "Don'd you do dot," und dey shtop dot putty
quick. In der nexd seen, dot Leah meets Rudolph (dot's her feller) in de
voods. Before dot he comes in, she sits of de bottom of a cross, und she
don'd look pooty lifely, und she says, "Rudolph, how is dot, dot you
don'd come und see about me? You didn't shpeak of me for tree days
long. I vant to dold you vot it is, dot ain't some luf. I don'd like
dot." Vell, Rudolph he don'd was dere, so he coodent sed something. But
ven he comes in, she dells of him dot she lufs him orful, und he says
dot he guess he lufs her orful too, und vants to know vood she leef dot
place, and go oud in some oder country mit him. Und she says, "I told
you, I vill;" und he says, "Dot's all right," und he tells her he vill
meet her soon, und dey vill go vay dogedder. Den he kisses her und goes
oud, und she feels honkey dory bout dot.

Vell, in der nexd seen, Rudol