Lor' bless yo chile, I knows 'em all.

I'm kinder lop-sided en pigeon toed
But jes' you watch me keep in de middle ob de road.
Kase de troubles I'se got is a mighty heavy load.
Talk about troubles, I got 'em en had 'em,
Same as Adam.

An' don' yo see I mighty well know
Dat I got 'em from Adam long ago,
From Adam en Eve en de appile tree,
When dey runned free
In de pahdise gyardin
Wid butter-flies en honey bee?

FOOTNOTE:

[67] By permission of D. Appleton & Co.

MR. DOOLEY ON LA GRIPPE MICROBES

FINLEY PETER DUNNE

Mr. Dooley was discovered making a seasonable beverage consisting of one
part syrup, two parts quinine and fifteen parts strong waters.

"What's the matter?" asked Mr. McKenna.

"I have th' lah gr-rip," said Mr. Dooley, blowing his nose and wiping
his eyes. "Bad cess to it! Oh, me poor back! It feels as if a dhray had
r-run over it. Did ye iver have it? Ye did not. Well, ye'er lucky. Ye'er
a lucky man.

"I wint to McGuire's wake las' week. They give him a dacent sind-off. No
porther. An' himsilf looked natural--as fine a corpse as iver Gavin laid
out. Gavin tould me so himsilf. He was as pr-roud iv McGuire as if he
ownded him; fetched half th' town in to look at him an' give ivery wan
iv thim his ca-ards. He near frightened ol' man Dugan into a faint.
'Misther Dugan, how old a-are ye?' 'Sivinty-five, thanks be,' says
Dugan. 'Thin,' says Gavin, 'take wan iv me ca-ards,' he says. 'I hope
ye'll not forget me,' he says.

"'Twas there I got th' lah grip. Lasteways 'tis me opinion iv it, though
th' docther says I swallowed a bug. It don't seem right, Jawn, f'r th'
McGuires is a clane fam'ly, but th' docther says a bug got into me
system. 'What sort iv bug?' says I. 'A lah grip bug,' he says. 'Yez have
Mickrobes in ye'er lung,'he says. 'What's thim?' says I. 'Thims th' lah
grip bugs,' says he. 'Ye took wan in an' warmed it,' he says, 'an' it
has growed an' multiplied till ye'er system does be full iv thim,' he
says, 'millions iv thim,' he says, 'ma-archin' an' counthermarchin'
through ye.' 'Glory be to th' saints,' says I. 'Had I betther swallow
some insect powdher?' I says. 'Some iv thim in me head has had a fallin'
out an' is throwin' bricks.' 'Foolish man,' says he. 'Go to bed,' he
says, 'an lave thim alone,' he says. 'Whin they find who they're in,' he
says, 'they'll quit ye.'

"So I wint to bed an'