argued the value of his talents, and I trust that the
four shillings we have appropriated for our Christmas-story may be
given him for the following tale." And Captain Bob Shorty proceeded to
read:--

"THE GHOST'S ULTIMATUM.

"England, merry England! Land of our forefathers! Having seen
several attractive stereoscopic pictures of thee,--not to mention
various engravings,--I love thee! Yes, I am of passionate
temperament; I am thy fond American child; and I love thee. Ay, me
lud, we all love thee; and the best of us cannot pay the shortest
visit to thy shores without bringing back such a wholesome contempt
for everything at home, as none but affectionate American hearts
can feel. Having inherited the money realized by our deceased
paternal from his celebrated patent Fish-scales we put our aged
mother comfortably into the Old Ladies' Home, and fly to thee,
dear, dear motherland, by the most expensive steamer to be had.
Then we associate with the footmen of thy nobility, and go to see
thy dukes' houses while the dukes are absent, and ask the dukes'
housekeeper how much such a house costs, and come away stupefied
with the atmosphere of greatness. We return to America with
mutton-chop whiskers and our hands in our pockets, while our wife
wears a charity-boys' cap on her head, and carries a saddle-whip
forever in her left hand. We haven't seen the fashion-plates in the
London shop-windows for nothing. We find New York rather small.
There's no Tower, ye know, nor Abbey, nor Pell Mell, my dear boy.
What's Pell Mell? Oh, I suppose _you'd_ call it Pall Mall; ha, ha,
ha! quite provincial, to be sure. Really, this new Fifth-avenue
house of ours is not quite equal to the Earl of P.'s town-house;
but we can add a private theatre and a chapel, and make it do for a
while, eh? Day-day, Tomkins, my good fellow, how-de-do? How are
your poor feet? Ha, ha, ha, quite the joke in London society,
Tomkins. What's new? Yanks had another Bull Run? Every nobleman I
met in England is with the South, my dear boy, and so am I.

"O England! If I could but visit thee just once,--just a little
tiny bit of a once; but no matter, I haven't the money; never mind.
Honest poverty in this country will yet--but it's of no
consequence.

"Persons with money may have noticed, that as you turn from
Cheapside into Whitefri