in and again
He took pains to explain
How large my "half-profits" _might_ be.

IT had a capital sale,
Well reviewed by the _Times_ and _D.T._,
And a great many more,
So my friends by the score
Came around to congratulate me.

[Illustration: IT HAD A CAPITAL SALE]

And people I scarcely had met,
Just "dropped in" to afternoon tea;
While my aunt, who's a swell,
_Now_ remembered quite well
That I was related to she.

And girls that were rich and plain,
Or pretty and poor, did agree
To let me suppose
That I'd but to propose
To be m-a-r-r-i-e-d.

[Illustration: MY FRIENDS ALL TURNED TAIL]

Yes, HE published IT in the Spring,
That season of frolic and glee;
"In the Autumn," HE said,
Gravely nodding his head,
"'Half-profits' will mean L.S.D."

But Autumn has come and gone,
And I'm so to say, "All at sea,"
For HE sobs and HE sighs
And HE turns up his eyes
When I ask what my "half-profits" be.

There are "charges for this, and for that,"
And for "things that HE couldn't foresee,"
And HE "very much fears,"
So he says twixt his tears,
"That there won't be a penny for me."

Oh! rich is the Publisher
And poor is the Publishee;
Of the profits of IT
I shall touch not a bit,
They are all swallowed up by HE.

The girls now all treat me with scorn--
Aunt turns up her n-o-s-e,
And my friends all turn tail,
While my book they assail
And call rubbish and twad-d-l-e.

Even One-and-Nine and General Mary Jane were smitten with a desire to
rush into print, and I overheard them concocting a tragic Love Story
in the kitchen, and they were highly indignant later on, because the
Doctor-in-Law would not accept it. You can hardly wonder at it though,
for it really was too bad for anything.

It was called "The Viscount's Revenge," and in it several characters
who had been killed in the first part of the book kept cropping up all
through the story in a most confusing manner, while One-and-Nine and
General Mary Jane could not agree as to whether the heroine should be
dark or fair, so in one part of the book she had beautiful golden hair
and blue eyes, and in another she was described as "darkly, proudly
handsome, with a wealth of dusky hair and eyes as black as night."

[Illustration: THE LITERARY