son of Anak, physical, he's dwarfed mental; he
ain't half as well upholstered with brains as a shepherd dog. That's
right; Riley's intellects, is like a fly in a saucer of syrup, they
struggles 'round plumb slow. I decides to uplift Riley to the public eye
as the felon who's disturbin' that seminary's sereenity. Comin' to this
decision, I p'ints at him where he's planted four seats ahead, all
tangled up in a spellin' book, an' says in a loud whisper to a child
who's sittin' next:

"'"Throw him out!"

"'That's enough. No gent will ever realize how easy it is to direct a
people's sentiment ontil he take a whirl at the game. In two minutes by
the teacher's bull's-eye copper watch, every soul knows it's pore Riley;
an' in three, the teacher's done drug Riley out doors by the ha'r of his
head an' chased him home. Gents, I look back on that yoothful feat as a
triumph of diplomacy; it shore saved my standin' as the Beau Brummel of
the Bloo Grass.

"'Good old days, them!' observes the Colonel mournfully, 'an' ones never
to come ag'in! My sternest studies is romances, an' the peroosals of old
tales as I tells you-all prior fills me full of moss an' mockin' birds
in equal parts. I reads deep of _Walter Scott_ an' waxes to be a sharp
on Moslems speshul. I dreams of the Siege of Acre, an' Richard the Lion
Heart; an' I simply can't sleep nights for honin' to hold a tournament
an' joust a whole lot for some fair lady's love.

"'Once I commits the error of my career by joustin' with my brother
Jeff. This yere Jeff is settin' on the bank of the Branch fishin' for
bullpouts at the time, an' Jeff don't know I'm hoverin' near at all.
Jeff's reedic'lous fond of fishin'; which he'd sooner fish than read
_Paradise Lost_. I'm romancin' along, sim'larly bent, when I notes Jeff
perched on the bank. To my boyish imagination Jeff at once turns to be a
Paynim. I drops my bait box, couches my fishpole, an' emittin' a
impromptoo warcry, charges him. It's the work of a moment; Jeff's
onhossed an' falls into the Branch.

"'But thar's bitterness to follow vict'ry. Jeff emerges like Diana from
the bath an' frales the wamus off me with a club. Talk of puttin' a
crimp in folks! Gents, when Jeff's wrath is assuaged I'm all on one side
like the leanin' tower of Pisa. Jeff actooally confers a skew-gee to my
spinal column.

"'A week later my folks takes me to a doctor. That practitioner puts on
his specs an' looks me over with jealous care.

"'"What