3d of September his flag was hauled down at
Spithead. On the way home he suffered much. After amputation the
ligature had been awkwardly applied to the humeral artery. As he would
not allow the surgeon to examine the stump during the passage, this
was not then discovered, but the intense spasms of pain kept him
irritable and depressed. It is likely, too, that his discouragement
was increased by brooding over the failure of his enterprise;
believing, as he did, that had he been with the landing-party, the
first attempt would have succeeded. He could scarcely fail now to see
that, although it was strictly in accordance with service methods for
the senior to remain with the ships, the decisive point in the plan,
as first formed, was the seizure of the heights, and that there,
consequently, was the true place for the one in chief command. Any
captain, Troubridge especially, could have placed the ships as well as
Nelson. It is self-accusation, and not fault-finding merely, that
breathes in the words: "Had I been with the first party, I have reason
to believe complete success would have crowned our efforts. _My pride
suffered_."

Whatever his mental distress, however, he always, from the time of
receiving the wound, wrote to his wife with careful cheerfulness. "As
to my health, it never was better; and now I hope soon to return to
you; and my Country, I trust, will not allow me any longer to linger
in want of that pecuniary assistance which I have been fighting the
whole war to preserve to her. But I shall not be surprised to be
neglected and forgot, as probably I shall no longer be considered as
useful. However, I shall feel rich if I continue to enjoy your
affection. I am fortunate in having a good surgeon on board; in short,
I am much more recovered than I could have expected. I beg neither
you or my father will think much of this mishap: my mind has long been
made up to such an event."

Immediately after quitting the "Seahorse" he joined his wife and
father at Bath. For a time the wound seemed to be progressing
favorably, but the unlucky complication of the ligature threw him
back. "Much pain and some fever," he wrote to a friend soon after his
arrival; and while he kept up fairly before his wife, who spoke of his
spirits as very good, he confessed to St. Vincent, on the 18th of
September, that he was then not the least better than when he left the
fleet. "I have suffered great misery." This letter was dated in
London,