eiling; but they were of a different kind,
much larger, with black and white spots. On some of them I could
distinguish the white belly, with two rows of feet on either side
which looked like ribs. In my dream they seemed quite in their place,
and yet horrible. They filled me with loathing, but I was neither
astonished nor afraid. Only after I had awoke the loathing became
unbearable and changed into a kind of fear,--fear of death. It was the
first time I had that sensation, and that fear of death took such a
form. "Who knows," I thought, "what hideous shapes are awaiting me in
the darkness, on the other side of life?" Later on I remembered that I
had seen some similar beetles in an entomological collection, but
at the time they seemed to me something unnatural, belonging to an
intangible after-life. I jumped up and raised the blind, and the sight
of daylight calmed me at once. The streets were already alive with the
traffic of the early morning,--vegetable carts drawn by dogs, servants
going to market, and laborers to their work. The sight of the normal
human life is the best remedy against phantasms like these. I feel now
an immense necessity for light and life. The final conclusion of all
this is that I am not well. My tragedy undermines me like a cancer. I
see white threads in my hair; this might have come in the course of
nature; but my face, especially in the morning, has a waxen hue, and
my hands are getting transparent. I am not getting thin, it is rather
the opposite, but I am conscious of anaemia as I am conscious of my
psychical state, and I feel that my vital powers are passing through a
crisis, and that some calamity is threatening me.

I shall never go mad. I cannot even imagine how I could ever lose
control over myself. Besides, a celebrated physician, and what is
more an intelligent man, told me that at a certain point of developed
consciousness this was quite impossible. I think he has written a book
about it. But without going mad I may be on the eve of some portentous
nervous disease; and as I know a little what that means, I say
sincerely that any other would be preferable.

I have not much faith in doctors, especially in those that trust to
physic, but I may take some advice if only to please my aunt. I know
one remedy, which would be infallible; if Kromitzki died and I could
marry Aniela I should speedily get well. A disease springing from
nerves must be cured through nerves. But she will not be m