n the horse's
back, she held on to me for a moment and the old Adam woke up very
strong in me. To kill him, I should have to annihilate my body and
become a spirit. I bound myself to keep my senses and impulses under
control, and I am doing so; but I did not bind myself not to have
them. I might as well have bound myself not to breathe. If the touch
of Aniela's hand made no more impression upon me than if it were a
piece of wood it would prove that I did not love her any longer, and
then all pledges would be unnecessary. Saying to Aniela that my whole
nature had changed in contact with her, I did not intend to deceive
her, but had not exactly defined the change. The truth is I only keep
myself in check. I renounced complete happiness in order to secure a
part of it. I preferred to have Aniela in this way to not having her
at all, and I think that every one who knows the meaning of true love
will understand me easily. If the passions are dogs, as the poets say,
I have chained them up, will starve them into submission, but I cannot
prevent their straining at the chain or emitting an occasional howl.

I know to what I have pledged myself, and shall keep to it; there is
nothing else to do. In the face of Aniela's firmness of purpose there
is no room for any agreeing or disagreeing. The fear that she may take
back what she has given is enough curb for me. I rather exaggerate my
caution and wariness, so as not to frighten away the bird which I call
"spiritual love," and she calls "friendship." That word, which in the
first moment was merely a prick, enough to make me wince, is gradually
growing into a sore. At the time it seemed to me not expressive
enough, and now it appears to me too cautious, too full of conditions.
How strange that characteristic of feminine nature, not to call things
by their name. Yet I explained distinctly to Aniela what I was asking
for, and she understood me fully; and nevertheless she called the
feeling "friendship," as if she wanted to veil herself with it before
me, before herself and God.

Looking at it from another point, it is true that a feeling devoid of
all earthly substance may be called by any name. There is sadness and
bitterness in the thought. This caution, common to very pure-minded
women, is undoubtedly the outcome of their modesty, but it does not
permit them to be generous. I might go straight to Aniela and say
to her: "I have sacrificed to you one half of my existence, and you
gr