woman alone in New York City, earning her own
living?

And how shall I tell the truth about my unhappy married life--the
torture and degradation of it? The truth about my widowhood--those two
gay years before the great disaster came, when, with money enough, I let
myself go in selfish pursuit of pleasure--playing with fire?

As I turn over these agitated pages I feel I have tried to be honest. I
rebel against hypocrisy, I hate false pretense, often I make myself out
worse than I really am.

In one place I find this:

"There is no originality in women. They do what they see others do, they
think what they are told to think--like a flock of sheep. Their hair is
a joke--absurd frizzles and ear puffs that are always imitated. Their
shoes are a tragedy. Their corsets are a crime. But they would die
rather than change these ordered abominations. So would I. I flock with
the crowd. I hobble my skirts, wear summer furs, powder my nose, wave my
hair (permanently or not) according to the commands of fashion, but I
hate myself for doing it. _I am a woman!_"

I am a woman and most women are liars--so are most men--but there is
more excuse for women because centuries of oppression have made us
afraid to tell the truth. I try to be original by speaking the
truth--part of it, at least--in this diary.

On one page I find this:

"The truth is that women love pursuit and are easily reconciled to
capture. Why else do they deck themselves out in finery, perfume
themselves, bejewel themselves, flaunt their charms (including decollete
charms and alluring bathing suit charms) in every possible way? I do
this myself--why? I have a supple figure and I dance without corsets, or
rather with only a band to hold up my stockings. I wear low cut evening
gowns, the most captivating I can afford. I love to flirt. I could not
live without admiration, and other women are the same. They all have
something that they are vain about--eyes, nose, mouth, voice, teeth,
hair, complexion, hands, feet, figure--_something that they are vain
about._ And what is vanity but a consciousness of power to attract men
and make other women envious? _There are only two efforts that the human
race take seriously (after they have fed themselves): the effort of
women to attract men, the effort of men to capture women._"

* * * * *

_Wednesday._

In searching back through the years for the cause of this disaster that
has brought me to