ex indulgence. Julian told me this over and over again, no doubt to
excuse his own delinquencies, until it was burned into my soul that,
whatever happened, I would never marry another man, and expose myself to
torments and humiliations such as I had endured with him--never!

After my husband died I had to face a problem that confronts thousands
of high principled young women, widows, divorcees, in America and in all
countries--how could I bear the torture of this immense loneliness? How
could I adjust myself to life without the intimate companionship of a
man? How could I satisfy my emotional nature? How?

There were two solutions, a second marriage and a lover. I rejected the
first solution for reasons already given and the second solution because
of evidence all about me that one lover usually means two, three, half a
dozen lovers, since men grow weary and change and women, in loneliness
or desperation, change also. Never would I let myself sink to the
degrading level of sex _complaisance_ that is sadly or cynically
accepted by many women, self-supporting and self-respecting, in many
American cities, simply because they cannot combat conditions that have
been created and perpetuated by the stronger sex.

Therefore I worked out a third solution that was to satisfy my emotional
nature and at the same time give me a reason for existence. I would
adopt a little waif as my child, a French or Belgian waif, and I would
bring up this child to be a useful and happy man or woman. I would love
it, care for it, teach it, and with this responsibility and
_soulagement_, I would be able to endure the loneliness of the long
years stretching before me. I would find this child while I was in
France working for the Red Cross and bring it home after the war, only--

_My purpose was to adopt a child that should be born of my own body!_

That is my sin, a sin never committed, save in intention, yet a sin that
would have been committed, if things had happened differently. The
arguments (based on the sacred right of motherhood and the longing for
a child) that led me to my original purpose still seem valid to me. It
is terrible to say this now, but I must tell the truth and the truth is
that, if I had not met Captain Herrick, I would have done this thing. My
whole plan of life was changed because I loved Captain Herrick. What was
previously impossible became possible, and what was previously possible
became impossible _because I loved Cap