But besides, looking at it from a merely human point of view, there is
in my nature a certain stern and rugged resolution, a sort of
'never-give-up' feeling, which induces me to hope and struggle on, and
leads me to think, with the great Napoleon, that suicide is the act of a
coward, since it is an attempt to fly from those evils which God has
laid upon us, rather than to bear them with a brave, enduring trust in
Providence.

Still, as I passed by the river, spanned by its noble bridges, and
covered with those innumerable barges in which the washerwomen of Paris
ply their unceasing trade, eating, sleeping, and living constantly in
their floating dwellings, I would think, with a shudder, that unless
relief soon arrived, I must choose between its silent waters and a
lingering death by starvation.

True, there are in Paris many employments open to women, but what was
that to me? Could I stand behind a counter and set forth with a glib
tongue the merits of ribbons and laces; or bend over the rich
embroidered robe of the fashionable lady; or even, like those poor
washerwomen, earn my scanty livelihood by arduous manual labor? I knew
nothing of business; I knew nothing of embroidery; and I had neither the
strength nor the capital necessary to set up the establishment of a
_blanchicheuse_.

I had returned home, one evening, after another weary tramp. As I looked
from my lofty attic, and saw Paris glittering with her million lights, I
said to myself: 'Must I perish of hunger in these streets? Must I starve
in the midst of that abundance which might be mine but for the fact that
I am _a woman_? No! I shall abjure my sex, and in the semblance of
themselves, win from men that subsistence which they deny to a woman.'

The thought was no sooner conceived than executed. Tearing off part of
my woman's attire, I threw around me an old cloak of my father's, which
now served as a coverlet to my lowly bed, and descended the long flights
of stairs to the street. Determined to have legal sanction for what I
was about to do, I went straight to the Prefecture of Police. It was not
yet very late, and the Prefect was still in his _bureau_. I entered his
presence, told him my story, and demanded permission to put on male
attire, and assume a masculine name, in order to obtain the means of
subsistence. He heard me respectfully, treated me kindly, and advised me
to ponder well before I took a step so unusual and unseemly. But I was
firm. See