had publicly confessed myself a sinner, and privately
calmly thought of myself as a sinner, but without being disturbed by
it or perceiving how I was one! I kept the commandments in the
usual degree and way, and was conscientious in my dealings with
others. Now all at once--by this Presentment of Himself before my
soul--which had lasted for no more than one moment of time--I
suddenly, and with terrible clearness, saw the whole insufferable
offensiveness of myself.

For some time, even for some weeks, I remained like a person
half-stunned with astonishment. Then I determined to try to become less
selfish, less irritable and impatient, to show far more consideration
for everyone else, to be rigidly truthful: in fact, try to commence an
alteration.

For one thing--about telling lies--I had always been quite truthful in
large things, but often told some social lies for my own convenience,
and sometimes told them for no reason at all! This spontaneous Evil
filled me with more astonishment than shame; whence did this Evil
come? I could never account for this strange Intruder which seemed
to have a separate life and will of its own, and which, with no
conscious invitation upon my part, would suddenly visit me! and _in
all manner of shapes and ways!_ But whatever my difficulties, I had
always this immense incentive--to please my Jesus, tender and
wonderful, my Perfect Friend.

Two years went by, and on Easter morning, at the close of the
service as I knelt in prayer in the church, He suddenly presented
Himself again before my soul, and again I saw myself, and again I
went down and down into those terrible abysses of spiritual pain;
and I suffered more than I suffered the first time: indeed, I have
never had the courage to quite fully recall the full depths of this
anguish to mind.

After this my soul knew Jesus as Christ the Son of God, and my
heart and mind accepted this without any further wonder or question,
and entirely without knowing how this knowledge had been given,
for it came as a gift.

A great repose now commenced to fill me, and the world and all its
interests and ways seemed softly and gently blown out of my heart
by the wings of a great new love, my love for the Risen Christ.

Though outwardly my friends might see no change, yet inwardly I
was secretly changing month by month. Even the great love I had
for my husband began to fade: this caused me distress; I thought I
was growing heartless, and yet it w