God, since I may no more possess Thee, grant that I
may shortly pass into the dust and for ever be no more, so that I may
escape this pain of knowing Thy Perfections and my own necessity
for Thee; and I mourned for Him till my health went.

Weeks passed, and three words came constantly to me: "Visit my
sick." But I did not listen: I was sick myself with a deadly wound.
Almost every day the same three words came; but I turned away
resentfully from them, saying to myself, "What have the sick to do
with me? I am weary of sick people: I have been so much with them.
Must I accept the sick in place of the ecstasy of God? I mourn for
the loss of God. I can cheer no sick."

The words came again, with excessive gentleness, and the
gentleness was like the gentleness of Christ, and it pierced. So that
day I go to the village and visit the sick again, and I look at them
tenderly and lovingly, and tenderly and lovingly they look at me,
and some say, "It is as if God came into the house with you"; and
tears come to my eyes, and I say, "It may be so, because He sent
me," and they gaze at me lovingly, and lovingly I gaze at them; and
it seems to me that I can no longer tell where "they" cease and where
"I" begin, and the sweetness, the peculiar sweetness, of Christ
pierces me through from my head to my feet--that sweetness that I
have not known for weeks. And so I comprehend that Holy Love is
not alone just Thee and me, but it is also Thee and me and the others,
and Thee and the others and me.

* * *

I wanted my own way. The way I wanted was to be free in order to
worship and bless God in a beautiful place, in some place that _I_
should choose. I wanted to worship Him, and to sing Him the Song
of the Soul from some quiet hill among the olive trees by the
Mediterranean Sea. I wanted this marvellous, this almost terrible,
joy of meeting God in a beautiful place that _I_ should choose: I
wanted it so that it became spiritual greed--spiritual self-indulgence.

Duty, heavy-winged duty, prevented my taking the journey; duty to
an always-contrary relation, now unwell. It was only a little
thing--just a journey prevented, but it crossed my self-will; and in an
impatient, detestable way that I have, I wanted to push all duty, even
all human relationships, anywhere upon one side, or over the edge of
the world, so they might all fall together out of my sight and I be
free!

Because I thought these thoughts, I came to the Place of Tribula