criticising thoughts frequently invaded me: the whole scheme of
Nature and of life at times appeared cruel, unreasonably so. All the
old ever-to-be-repeated cycle of bitter human thoughts had to be
gone all through again in my own individual atom. Here and there
the bitterness might vary: as, for instance, the collapse and
corruption of the body with its hideous finale never caused me
distress. I had become too indifferent to the body; but I found that
most persons clung to it with extraordinary tenacity, indeed
appeared to regard it as their most valuable possession! What I did
resent, and was deeply mystified by, was the capacity for suffering
and pain which had no balance in any corresponding joy. It was idle
to say that the joy of festivities, even of human love, equalled the
anguish of grief over others, or the sufferings of physical ill-health.
They did not counterbalance it; sorrow was more weighty than joy,
and far more durable. Later I became convinced that there did exist a
full equivalent of joy, as against pain, and that I merely had no
knowledge of how to find it.

Years succeeded each other in this way, bringing greater loosening
of earth-ties, more abstraction, certainly no improvement of
character.

My husband's duties as a soldier took us to many parts of the world.
During a visit to Africa I was struck by lightning, and for ten days
my sufferings were almost unendurable; every nerve seemed
electrocuted. It was long before I quite recovered. Whilst this illness
lasted, though it caused him no inconvenience and he led his life
exactly as usual, I yet noticed a change in my husband's love. I was
deeply pained, almost horrified, by this revelation of the natural
imperfection of human love: profoundly saddened, I asked myself
was it nothing but lust which had inspired and dictated all the poems
of the world? I thought more and more of Jesus' love; I began to
know that nothing less than His perfect love could satisfy me. In this
illness I was tremendously alone.

VII

I commenced to meditate upon the life and the character and the
love of Jesus Christ. I was now about thirty-six. Gradually He
became for me a secret Mind-Companion. I began to rely upon this
companionship--though it appeared intensely one-sided, for at first it
seemed always to be I who gave! Nevertheless I found a growing
calm arising from this apparently so one-sided friendship. A subtle
assistance and comfort came to me, it was impo