lace proprietor, applied
for exemption for the commissionaire who stood outside the building and
invited people in.

_The Chairman._ How old is he?

_Mr. Cadgsmith._ Thirty-four.

_The Chairman._ Is he strong?

_Mr. Cadgsmith._ Very. He is also highly trained; he wears uniform and
calls out the attractions. The cinema is one of the principal
alleviations of modern life and but for this man's powerful voice many
people might pass by and never enter.

_The Chairman._ What kind of pictures do you show?

_Mr. Cadgsmith._ The best.

_The Chairman._ Are they English?

_Mr. Cadgsmith._ Some are. But the public prefer American ones. I always
pride myself on giving the public what it has the sense to want.

_The Chairman._ Might it not be better employed elsewhere? Making
munitions, for example?

_Mr. Cadgsmith._ That is nothing to do with me. My business is to supply
a demand.

_The Chairman._ What is your chief film this week?

_Mr. Cadgsmith._ It is a very fine story entitled "The Prince of
Crooks."

_The Chairman._ Could not a woman take this man's place?

_Mr. Cadgsmith._ Not to do it justice.

Application refused.

* * * * *

SUAVE MARI MAGNO.

(New Style).

'Tis sweet, so sage LUCRETIUS wrote of yore,
To watch a storm-tossed vessel from the shore,
Or safely placed, when hosts in conflict close,
To view the battle as it ebbs and flows;
But he, poor ancient, never knew the rare
Delight afforded by an easy-chair,
Wherein the slippered critic, at his ease,
His ample writing-pad upon his knees,
Primed with historic and romantic lore,
Indites his weekly comment on the War;
Revises or expands official news
With graphic touches and resplendent hues;
Teaches the doubtful battle where to rage
And sprinkles diagrams on ev'ry page;
Creates new posts or, at his own sweet will,
Proceeds expected vacancies to fill;
Deposes Kings, Prime Ministers, Grand Dukes,
And rival pundits suitably rebukes.
A hundred thousand readers every week
For solace in his commentaries seek,
Swear by his arguments, and swear at those
Which rival quidnuncs artfully oppose.
Matched with an occupation such as this
Philosophy is destitute of bliss;
He only breathes content's untroubled air
Who wages warfare from a snug armchair.

* * * * *

[Illustration: _R.N. Cadet_ (_during his first term at Osborne--where he