ilk for me; there's garlic in my butter,
But I'm only a consumer, and it does no good to mutter;
I know that coal is going up and beef is getting higher,
But I'm only a consumer, and I have no need of fire;
While beefsteak is a luxury that wealth alone is needing,
I'm only a consumer, and what need have I for feeding?
My business is to pay the bills and keep in a good humor,
And it really doesn't matter, since I'm only a consumer.

The grocer sells me addled eggs; the tailor sells me shoddy,
I'm only a consumer, and I am not anybody.
The cobbler pegs me paper soles, the dairyman short-weights me,
I'm only a consumer, and most everybody hates me.
There's turnip in my pumpkin pie and ashes in my pepper,
The world's my lazaretto, and I'm nothing but a leper;
So lay me in my lonely grave and tread the turf down flatter,
I'm only a consumer, and it really doesn't matter.

A DESPERATE RACE

BY J.F. KELLEY

Some years ago, I was one of a convivial party that met in the principal
hotel in the town of Columbus, Ohio, the seat of government of the
Buckeye state.

It was a winter's evening, when all without was bleak and stormy and all
within were blithe and gay,--when song and story made the circuit of the
festive board, filling up the chasms of life with mirth and laughter.

We had met for the express purpose of making a night of it, and the
pious intention was duly and most religiously carried out. The
Legislature was in session in that town, and not a few of the worthy
legislators were present upon this occasion.

One of these worthies I will name, as he not only took a big swath in
the evening's entertainment, but he was a man _more_ generally known
than our worthy President, James K. Polk. That man was the famous
Captain Riley, whose "Narrative" of suffering and adventures is pretty
generally known all over the civilized world. Captain Riley was a fine,
fat, good-humored joker, who at the period of my story was the
representative of the Dayton district, and lived near that little city
when at home. Well, Captain Riley had amused the company with many of
his far-famed and singular adventures, which, being mostly told before
and read by millions of people that have seen his book, I will not
attempt to repeat.

Many were the stories and adventures told by the company, when it came
to the turn of a well-known gentleman who represented the Cincinnati