"No, Sir, he's very deaf, that's why he's a storeman. Jo-ock!!"

"Hello!" came from the ground.

"Are ye all right, Jock?"

"Na. There's an awfu' to-do here."

"What's wrong then?"

"Ma candle keeps going oot."

"Are ye all right, though, Jock?"

"Na."

"Well, what's up with ye?"

"I told ye. Ma candle keeps going oot. What's up yon?"
* * * * *
When the B.M. got back he found a one-sided war in progress on the
telephone. The G.O.C. had heated up the wires to red-heat.

"Is that you, Nessel? Where the devil have you been? This noise is
still going on. Tell me what it is. No-dam-nonsense-now. Let's have
it."

"If you want to know and you don't mind the Bosch hearing what I say,
Sir, the dump, the French dump, has b-blown itself to b-blazes."

"Why the _devil_ couldn't you say so before?"

Every dog has his day. With a full and fatuous smile the Brigade-Major
picked up a paper and began: "Reference your G. 245/348/24 of the 29th
inst. It says that--"

Somebody must have taken a bone away from a dog at the other end. He
growled horribly.

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Flapper (shyly)._ "COULD YOU TELL ME WHAT A STAMP
STUCK ON AT _THAT_ ANGLE MEANS IN THE LANGUAGE OF POSTAGE-STAMPS?"]

* * * * *

From an account of the Ministerial crisis in Sweden:--

"Two imperialist minstrels, however, Von Melsted and
Lengquist, did quite enough mischief."--_Daily Mail_.

Members of the pro-German band, no doubt.

* * * * *

Mr. Punch desires to record thanks to the innumerable correspondents
who have drawn his attention to the statement in _The Daily Chronicle_
that among the German officers who escaped and were afterwards
recaptured was "Von Thelan, a lieutenant in the lying corps." The
existence of this unit in the German Army has, as most of them point
out, been long suspected, but never officially confirmed till now.

* * * * *

[Illustration: _The Colonel's Daughter_. "WHAT A WONDERFUL VOICE AND
WHAT A PERFECT ARTIST!"

_The Colonel_. "DON'T THINK MUCH OF HIM! HE'S GOT A POCKET
UNBUTTONED."]

* * * * *

TIPS FOR NON-TIPPERS.

["If taxi-cab fares are increased it will put a stop to
tipping."--_Evening Paper_.]

Only really robust men should refuse to tip the taxi-driver. Many a
City man has set out