born, he was at
the pains of writing an express Dissertation simply upon the word
Tristram,--shewing the world, with great candour and modesty, the
grounds of his great abhorrence to the name.

When this story is compared with the title-page,--Will not the
gentle reader pity my father from his soul?--to see an orderly and
well-disposed gentleman, who tho' singular,--yet inoffensive in his
notions,--so played upon in them by cross purposes;--to look down upon
the stage, and see him baffled and overthrown in all his little systems
and wishes; to behold a train of events perpetually falling out against
him, and in so critical and cruel a way, as if they had purposedly been
plann'd and pointed against him, merely to insult his speculations.--In
a word, to behold such a one, in his old age, ill-fitted for troubles,
ten times in a day suffering sorrow;--ten times in a day calling the
child of his prayers Tristram!--Melancholy dissyllable of sound! which,
to his ears, was unison to Nincompoop, and every name vituperative
under heaven.--By his ashes! I swear it,--if ever malignant spirit took
pleasure, or busied itself in traversing the purposes of mortal man,--it
must have been here;--and if it was not necessary I should be born
before I was christened, I would this moment give the reader an account
of it.

Chapter 1.XX.

--How could you, Madam, be so inattentive in reading the last chapter? I
told you in it, That my mother was not a papist.--Papist! You told me
no such thing, Sir.--Madam, I beg leave to repeat it over again, that I
told you as plain, at least, as words, by direct inference, could tell
you such a thing.--Then, Sir, I must have miss'd a page.--No, Madam,
you have not miss'd a word.--Then I was asleep, Sir.--My pride, Madam,
cannot allow you that refuge.--Then, I declare, I know nothing at all
about the matter.--That, Madam, is the very fault I lay to your charge;
and as a punishment for it, I do insist upon it, that you immediately
turn back, that is as soon as you get to the next full stop, and read
the whole chapter over again. I have imposed this penance upon the lady,
neither out of wantonness nor cruelty; but from the best of motives; and
therefore shall make her no apology for it when she returns back:--'Tis
to rebuke a vicious taste, which has crept into thousands besides
herself,--of reading straight forwards, more in quest of the adventures,
than of the deep erudition and knowledge which a book