around the base of your skull. Now, imagine how an Indian feels
when he considers this tendency. Is it any wonder that the future
seems dark and gloomy and hairless to him? The scalping operation
to him is a sacred rite. It is interwoven with his most cherished
traditions. When he surrenders it, he dies with a broken heart. What
then, is to be done?"

"Oh, do hush up and quit."

"There is but one thing to be done to meet this grave emergency. We
cannot justly permit that grand aboriginal man who once held sway over
this mighty continent to be filled with desolation and misery by
the inaccessibility of the scalps of his fellow-creatures. My idea,
therefore, is to bring those scalps within his reach, even when they
are baldest and shiniest. But how?"

"That'll do now. Don't want to hear any more."

"Here my ingenuity comes into play. I have invented a simple little
machine which I call 'The Patent Adjustable Atmospheric Scalp-lifter.'
Here it is. The device consists of a disk of thin leather about six
inches in diameter. In the centre is a hole through which runs a
string. When the Indian desires to deal with a man with a bald head,
he proceeds as follows--observe the simplicity of the operation: He
wets the leather, stamps it carefully down upon the surface of the
scalp, slides his knife around over the ears, gives the string a jerk,
and off comes the scalp as nicely as if it had been Absalom's. In
fact, you will see at once that it is an ingenious application of the
'sucker' used by boys to raise bricks and stones. I know what you are
going to say--that a white man who is to be manipulated by an Indian
needs succor worse than the red man. It is an old joke, and a good
one; but my desire is to bring joy to the wigwam of the Kickapoo and
to make the heart of the Arapahoe glad."

"Oh, do dry up and go down stairs."

"You catch the idea, of course; but perhaps you'd like to see the
apparatus in operation. Wait a moment; I'll show you how splendidly it
works."

Then, as the reporter resolutely continued at his task with his nose
almost against the desk, the friend of the disconsolate red man
suddenly produced a moist sucker and clapped it firmly upon the bald
place on the reporter's head, and then, before the indignant victim
could offer resistance, the Great White Brother, with the string in
his hand, careered around the office a couple of times, drawing the
helpless journalist after him. As he withdrew the machine