t danger that I should be
obliged to submit to.

You, my dear, could not be a stranger to my most secret failings,
although you would not tell me of them. What a pride did I take in the
applause of every one!--What a pride even in supposing I had not that
pride!--Which concealed itself from my unexamining heart under the
specious veil of humility, doubling the merit to myself by the supposed,
and indeed imputed, gracefulness in the manner of conferring benefits,
when I had not a single merit in what I did, vastly overpaid by the
pleasure of doing some little good, and impelled, as I may say, by
talents given me--for what!--Not to be proud of.

So, desirous, in short, to be considered as an example! A vanity which
my partial admirers put into my head!--And so secure in my own virtue!

I am punished enough, enough mortified, for this my vanity--I hope,
enough, if it so please the all-gracious inflictor: since now, I verily
think, I more despise myself for my presumptuous self-security, as well
as vanity, than ever I secretly vaunted myself on my good inclinations:
secretly, I say, however; for, indeed, I had not given myself leisure to
reflect, till I was thus mortified, how very imperfect I was; nor how
much truth there is in what divines tell us, that we sin in our best
performances.

But I was very young.--But here let me watch over myself again: for in
those four words, I was very young, is there not a palliation couched,
that were enough to take all efficacy from the discovery and confession?

What strange imperfect beings!--but self here, which is at the bottom of
all we do, and of all we wish, is the grand misleader.

I will not apologize to you, my dear, for these grave reflections. Is it
not enough to make the unhappy creature look into herself, and endeavour
to detect herself, who, from such a high reputation, left to proud and
presumptuous self, should by one thoughtless step, be brought to the
dreadful situation I am in?

Let me, however, look forward: to despond would be to add sin to sin.
And whom have I to raise me up, whom to comfort me, if I desert myself?--
Thou, O Father, who, I hope, hast not yet deserted, hast not yet cursed
me!--For I am thine!--It is fit that mediation should supply the rest.--

***

I was so disgusted with him, as well as frighted by him, that on my
return to my chamber, in a fit of passionate despair, I tore almost in
two the answer I had written to his proposals.