estion that came to my ears, I was
presently stocked up with enough salves and solutions to fill an
apothecary-shop, and my associates began to complain that I was as
redolent of odors as a chemical laboratory. Naturally enough,
therefore, I became morbid and despondent, and began to regard myself
as a mercilessly afflicted and shunned thing.

But amid all this trouble there came to me one big, bright ray of
satisfaction. I remembered that, when Alice took out a life policy
with neighbor Treese Smith, I also took out an accident policy with the
same gentleman in the Wabash Mutual Internecine Association of Indiana.
There was, as you can well understand, a heap of consolation in the
thought that no matter how little or how much or how long I suffered,
the Wabash concern would have to pay for it. As I recollected, the
insurance was fifty dollars a week during incapacity for work. If,
therefore, the ivy poison remained in my system seven years, the amount
of insurance due me would be--let me see:

Seven years--three hundred and sixty-four weeks.

Three hundred and sixty-four weeks at fifty dollars per week--eighteen
thousand two hundred dollars.

This was, indeed, a considerable sum of money! I began to understand
that, viewed from a purely business standpoint, my affliction might
become financially profitable. It even occurred to me that in case the
Wabash company paid promptly, and I got used to the tearing ebullitions
of the ivy poison, I might contrive to get a renewal of the malady at
the end of the first seven years. I wondered that, with this
opportunity of getting rich cum otio et cum dignitate, there were so
many poor people in the world; however, I mentally resolved not to
discover my shrewd plan to anybody else.

When I called upon neighbor Treese Smith I was prudent enough to let
him know that I probably had the worst case of ivy poisoning ever heard
of, and with more than common pride I exhibited to him my hands and
wrists in confirmation of my claims. Mr. Smith (whom you already know
as a man of tender feelings and broad sympathies) expressed himself as
being very sorry for me, and he asked me if I had tried certain
remedies, which he named.

As it was another kind of remedy I was after, I adroitly led the
conversation up to the proper point, and then I intimated that it would
not harrow up my feelings if I were tendered a payment on account of my
accident policy in the Wabash Mutual Internecin