existence as an officer.]

This war is far harder on you than on me. The drill, the work of
preparing for grim reality, all of it is what I am trained for. The very
thought of getting into the game gives me a sense of calmness and
contentment I have never before known. I suppose it is because
subconsciously I feel that I am justifying my existence now more than
ever before. And that feeling brings anybody peace.

MAY 1.

Back in harness again and thankful for the press of work that keeps me
from thinking about you all at home.

[Sidenote: Orders to sail.]

Well, we are going across all right, exactly where and for how long I do
not know. Our present orders are to sail to-morrow night, but there
seems to be wild uncertainty about whether we will go out then. In the
meantime, we are frantically taking on mountains of stores, ammunition,
provisions, etc., trying to fill our vacancies with new men from the
Reserve Ship, and hurrying everything up at high pressure.

Well, I am glad it has come. It is what I wanted and what I think you
wanted for me. It is useless to discuss all the possibilities of where
we are going and what we are going to do. From the look of things, I
think we are going to help the British. I hope so. Of course, we are a
mere drop in the bucket.

MAY 5.

[Sidenote: Happier always for having taken the chance.]

As I start off now, my only real big regret is that through
circumstances so much of my responsibility has been taken by
others--you, my brother, and your father. I don't know that I am really
to blame. At least, I am very sure that never in all my life did I
intentionally try to shift any load of mine onto another. But in any
case, it makes me all the more glad that I am where I am, going where I
am to go--to have my chance, in other words. I once said in jest that
all naval officers ought really to get killed, to justify their
existence. I don't exactly advocate that extreme. But I shall all my
life be happier for having at least taken my chance. It will increase my
self-respect, which in turn increases my usefulness in life. So can you
get my point of view, and be glad with me?

[Sidenote: The best things of life.]

Now I am to a great extent a fatalist, though I hope it really is
something higher than that. Call it what you will, I have always
believed that if we go ahead and do our duty, counting not the cost,
then the outcome will be in the hands of a power way beyond our ow