ing?"

"Fine, fine," replied the poet.

"How much do you expect to clear to the acre?"

"Oh, about four gallons," answered Mr. Riley, soberly.--_Success._

IN A SHOE STORE.

"Have you felt slippers, sir?" she said.

The boy clerk blushed and scratched his head.

Then, smiling back, he found his tongue:

"I felt 'em often when I was young."

_Boston Herald._

AT NAPOLEON'S TOMB.

Henry Vignaud, secretary of the American embassy at Paris, enjoys telling
of an American who was being shown the tomb of Napoleon. As the
loquacious guide referred to the various points of interest in connection
with the tomb, the American paid the greatest attention to all that was
said.

"This immense sarcophagus," declaimed the guide, "weighs forty tons.
Inside of that, sir, is a steel receptacle weighing twelve tons, and
inside of that is a leaden casket, hermetically sealed, weighing over two
tons. Inside of that rests a mahogany coffin containing the remains of the
great man."

For a moment the American was silent, as if in deep meditation. Then he
said:

"It seems to me that you've got him all right. If he ever gets out, cable
me at my expense."--_Success._

THE OTHER SIDE.

"Did you ever get into Brown's confidence?"

"Oh, yes; it was costly, too."

"What was costly?"

"To get out."--_Yonkers Herald._

TIPS FOR AUTHORS.

An author wrote a little book,
Which started quite a quarrel;
The folk who read it frowned on it
And said it was immoral.

They bade him write a proper screed,
He said that he would try it;
He did. They found no fault with it,
And neither did they buy it.

_Washington Evening Star._

HIS IMPOLITE QUERY.

"Women claim that the way to get on with a man is to give him plenty of
nicely cooked food."

"Well," answered Mr. Sirius Barker, irritably, "why don't some of them try
it?"--_Washington Star._

ARTEMUS WARD'S ADVICE.

A certain Southern railroad was in a wretched condition, and the trains
were consequently run at a phenomenally low rate of speed. When the
conductor was punching his ticket, the late Artemus Ward, who was one of
the passengers, remarked:

"Does this railroad company allow passengers to give it advice, if they do
so in a respectful manner?"

The conductor replied in gruff tones that he guessed so.

"Well," Artemus went on, "it occurred to me that it would be well to
detach the cowcatcher from the front of th