the two ladies rose up,
and we saluted, so that I was bound to come so near my girl as to kiss
her, which I would not have done had it been possible to have avoided
it, but there was no room to escape.

I cannot but take notice here, that notwithstanding there was a secret
horror upon my mind, and I was ready to sink when I came close to her to
salute her, yet it was a secret inconceivable pleasure to me when I
kissed her, to know that I kissed my own child, my own flesh and blood,
born of my body, and who I had never kissed since I took the fatal
farewell of them all, with a million of tears, and a heart almost dead
with grief, when Amy and the good woman took them all away, and went
with them to Spitalfields. No pen can describe, no words can express, I
say, the strange impression which this thing made upon my spirits. I
felt something shoot through my blood, my heart fluttered, my head
flashed, and was dizzy, and all within me, as I thought, turned about,
and much ado I had not to abandon myself to an excess of passion at the
first sight of her, much more when my lips touched her face. I thought I
must have taken her in my arms and kissed her again a thousand times,
whether I would or no.

But I roused up my judgment, and shook it off, and with infinite
uneasiness in my mind, I sat down. You will not wonder if upon this
surprise I was not conversable for some minutes, and that the disorder
had almost discovered itself. I had a complication of severe things upon
me, I could not conceal my disorder without the utmost difficulty, and
yet upon my concealing it depended the whole of my prosperity; so I used
all manner of violence with myself to prevent the mischief which was at
the door.

Well, I saluted her, but as I went first forward to the captain's lady,
who was at the farther end of the cabin, towards the light, I had the
occasion offered to stand with my back to the light, when I turned
about to her, who stood more on my left hand, so that she had not a fair
sight of me, though I was so near her. I trembled, and knew neither what
I did or said, I was in the utmost extremity, between so many particular
circumstances as lay upon me, for I was to conceal my disorder from
everybody at the utmost peril, and at the same time expected everybody
would discern it. I was to expect she would discover that she knew me,
and yet was, by all means possible, to prevent it. I was to conceal
myself, if possible, and yet had not